Author Topic: The Gunny Discussion  (Read 3929 times)

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Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #30 on: October 14, 2009, 07:36:43 AM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Quote from: "Beersatron"
In the chat between Jason and Berenice I think it would come across a bit better if you introduced some sense of disbelief in Berenice's responses.

i.e.
when Jason talks about before the war went nuclear and what not, maybe have Berenice ask or seem confused as to how that could be possible?
or
explain that 'normals' know that Jason's kind are survivors from that era

My thoughts would be that after 300 odd years of plague and pestilence and the 'long winter' of nuclear fallout that history would not remember how it started or what came immediately before.

Good idea. I will add a blurb on how the normals realize the Ghouls are survivors from the time before the Rain of Fire.  :D

EDIT: New paragraph. “Why did he shoot your helper?” She asked with increasing interest. Berenice found herself enraptured and could not help it. She was being drawn in by the tale this Ghoul was spinning, since most knowledge from the world before the Rain of Fire had been lost over the centuries. Folks knew the Ghouls, or Grandfathers as the tribes called them, were survivors from that time of long ago. Yet they were shunned by normal human society, even though the Ghouls represented a font of information that could help society recover.

Does this help with the belivability you were getting at?  :D  



Cheers, Thor

I think it does help, gives an insight into the nature of the Ghouls and helps explain why Berenice isn't automatically rejecting what Jason is saying even though she probably doesn't know what some of the words mean.
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #31 on: October 14, 2009, 01:31:40 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
I also, have difficulty with the conversation between Jason and the family.

I guess, it all comes down to what kind of environment the family was raised in.  In the kind of world that you are painting, I can't see her being so credulous.  Given the circumstances, I can see her being cowed enough to accept "because I said so" as an answer but to actually believe, right off the bat...  ...it bugs me.

That kind of trust takes time to develop.  Especially if it has to overcome the resistance of being in front of the boogie man from her childhood stories.

I can see passive acceptance on her part.  Her family was just about to get murdered/raped/enslaved and the guy who saved them said that it was OK.  She finds herself in a "less bad" situation now.  Heck, even if he was human she would be wary of Jason.  He's not the one who saved her children.  In a world of slavers, monsters and ghouls, the thoughts running through her mind would revolve around "what do I need to do *right now* to keep my children safe".  Everyone and everything is a threat to her children.  

Gunny saved her and her children.  He said that Jason wouldn't hurt them and he said to do what Jason said.  That should be enough to get short term compliance that can evolve into trust.

I can understand you wanting to get back story in but I think that it was just too early for story time from Jason.  I can see it happening later but not yet.  Maybe, she warily does what she is told for now.  After she has had a chance to see that Jason has no interest in eating her or her children, I can see her being curious.

She would be less afraid if Jason said something along the lines of "Look, if I hurt you, Gunny would kill me slow.  Besides, I have plenty of food here and it's not like I'm going to be raping anyone."  This assumes that Jason has to eat (he has to sleep, so safe bet) and that the immortal ghouls have no sexual function (else, there would be a lot of reproducing immortals in the world).  That would address her two biggest fears.

Also, remember that while, "being a Marine" might be all you need to know to start forming an opinion about someone, most people who haven't hung out with Marines don't know what you know.  Heck, I'm probably atypical of civilians because I've known enough people in the different services to have a pretty good idea about how they will react.  Most people only know what they see on movies.  Most current day people would react as sheeple in this situation and the Mother, in this case, had never even heard of a Marine.

If the pre-war era was a mythical paradise and she learned that Gunny was from pre-war, she might be absolutely trusting in an almost religious way.  Given the proximity of the base, there might be tales about the "mythical" Marines coming to save everyone.  In that case, she'd be treating him and everything he said as if Superman was saying it.

First off, who said she was believing what he says?  :D

Vickers is an Air Force General, actually.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #32 on: October 14, 2009, 04:46:15 PM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"

First off, who said she was believing what he says?  :wink:

Beersatron hit on a good point as to why she is fascinated by what Jason is saying. It is more a fascination with the story, and not so much belivability. Think of it this way, we read and listen to stories with rapt attention, but that does not mean we believe it to be true.

One of the major reasons she is listening so passionately is for the same reason folks fall in love with their saviors. I cannot remember what it is called, but it involves some sort of emotional transference. So any information she can get on him she will listen to with intensity.  :D

I think that you need to show this.  Does she listen with rapt attention but keep her kids behind her?  Maybe give her a few "tells" to show that she's nervous.

Also, I didn't see anything to show that she was feeling that way toward Gunny.

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Vickers is an Air Force General, actually.  :D

Then who the heck is an Army Ranger?  Is it Gunny?  If so, you have to do a search and replace on that last segment since you use Marine throughout.

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
@ Beersatron, yup, she does not know what most of what he said means, but just listening to the story is fascinating to her.

Maybe have the conversation interspersed with an activity.  Thus, have it while walking her to her quarters and/or showing her the base mess.  It might give more opportunity to show reactions.  Also remember that Jason's gotta be a bit nervous about her too.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #33 on: October 14, 2009, 06:57:58 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
I think that you need to show this.  Does she listen with rapt attention but keep her kids behind her?  Maybe give her a few "tells" to show that she's nervous.

Also, I didn't see anything to show that she was feeling that way toward Gunny.

Then who the heck is an Army Ranger?  Is it Gunny?  If so, you have to do a search and replace on that last segment since you use Marine throughout.

Maybe have the conversation interspersed with an activity.  Thus, have it while walking her to her quarters and/or showing her the base mess.  It might give more opportunity to show reactions.  Also remember that Jason's gotta be a bit nervous about her too.

Umm, you do realize Vickers is in the other story, right?  :?



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #34 on: October 15, 2009, 02:16:30 AM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"

Umm, you do realize Vickers is in the other story, right?  :?  So far the only main Ranger character introed has been Colonel Farrand. And I am quite sure I never called either Vickers or Farrand a Marine. So I am at a loss as to where you got that idea from.  :?

Having gone back and reread the beginning and seeing that Gunny was a Marine throughout...  ...I have no flipping clue.  Maybe I am remembering Farrand.  

Yes, I did actually remember that Vickers was in the other time line.  As for the rest....

It's not what you don't know that's the problem, it's what you know that just isn't so that gets you into trouble.

Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #35 on: October 15, 2009, 01:22:28 PM »
"As they went to a hotel for the night, ...."

Just wondering if calling it a hotel is in keeping with the atmosphere of a seedy town built on the remains of an old devastated town?

I know that the Gunny would call it a hotel but he didn't say 'bar' or 'pub' when asking for a place to go for a drink so holding to that train of thought maybe he should be looking for a 'room in an Inn' although that sounds wrong/cheesy too.
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #36 on: October 15, 2009, 01:23:38 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Having gone back and reread the beginning and seeing that Gunny was a Marine throughout...  ...I have no flipping clue.  Maybe I am remembering Farrand.  

Yes, I did actually remember that Vickers was in the other time line.  As for the rest....

It's not what you don't know that's the problem, it's what you know that just isn't so that gets you into trouble.

NP my friend. It happens to us all at one time or another.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #37 on: October 15, 2009, 01:59:42 PM »
Quote from: "Beersatron"
"As they went to a hotel for the night, ...."

Just wondering if calling it a hotel is in keeping with the atmosphere of a seedy town built on the remains of an old devastated town?

I know that the Gunny would call it a hotel but he didn't say 'bar' or 'pub' when asking for a place to go for a drink so holding to that train of thought maybe he should be looking for a 'room in an Inn' although that sounds wrong/cheesy too.

Good point, will change it.  :D

EDIT: New sentence.  “Ok. We had best get going. Too many people are getting interested in my affairs,” the Gunny said. As they went to a seedy, dilapidated building that passed for a hotel the Gunny had begun to realize just how dangerous the wastelands really are, and not just from things that go bump in the night.

Is this better?



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #38 on: October 15, 2009, 03:09:40 PM »
What about:

"As they neared a seedy"

Neared is a word, right? :)
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #39 on: October 15, 2009, 03:42:15 PM »
Quote from: "Beersatron"
What about:

"As they neared a seedy"

Neared is a word, right? :D

EDIT: did a wee biit more than that. New sentence:  “Ok. We had best get going. Too many people are getting interested in my affairs,” the Gunny said. As they drew close to the seedy, dilapidated building that passed for a hotel in this town the Gunny had begun to realize just how dangerous the wastelands really are, and not just from things that go bump in the night.



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #40 on: October 15, 2009, 04:17:15 PM »
we have a winner :)
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #41 on: October 15, 2009, 04:41:56 PM »
Quote from: "Beersatron"
we have a winner :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #42 on: October 15, 2009, 10:28:19 PM »
"The greedy cold grasp of the desert hardpan was already sapping his body’s warmth, alas, if he could not get up this would be his death warrant."

Would it sound better with:

"The greedy cold grasp of the desert hardpan was already sapping his body’s warmth. Alas, if he could not get up this would be his death warrant."
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #43 on: October 16, 2009, 02:06:54 PM »
Quote from: "Beersatron"
Would it sound better with:

"The greedy cold grasp of the desert hardpan was already sapping his body’s warmth. Alas, if he could not get up this would be his death warrant."

Yep, and changed.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #44 on: October 16, 2009, 07:45:30 PM »
"If a Ghoul could become embarrassed and have his face flush red Jason would have been beet red by now"

I don't think that anything prevents a ghoul from being embarrassed.  Also, "red" shouldn't be repeated, I think.

Maybe something like:

"If a ghoul's face could flush, Jason would have been beet red from embarrassment."

I'm not entirely happy with what I came up with but I think that it is along the right lines.

 

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