Author Topic: Gammar and Creative Improvements  (Read 9053 times)

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Offline ardem (OP)

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Gammar and Creative Improvements
« on: December 19, 2010, 08:41:24 PM »
Individual lines, sentences, plots how would of you provided the information for it to be better?

All suggestions are welcomed.


Learnings
- Tense for the narrator must be the same throughout the story http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_to_use_was_vs_were
- "Source Action Object", for an active voice, rarely use the passive voice. http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/passivevoice.html
« Last Edit: June 14, 2011, 05:46:42 PM by ardem »
 

Offline MattyD

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2011, 03:16:09 PM »
Yuki Yoshirou stood at the door to his grandmother’s residence. The residence was on the outskirts of a major port colony known as New Osaka. To Yoshi, New Osaka was home, he was born here, he went to school here, stolen his first kiss from behind the temple building here and more than likely will die somewhere else. Such is the way with Fleet Officers.

Yoshi brought his thoughts back to reality and pressed the intercom button. A fragile old voice answered through the speaker, inquiring who was at the door. “Hello sobo, it is yoshi, I have come to see mother” although English is predominantly the universal language spoken by all, the use of some old Japanese traits have [had] lived on, like referring to ones grandmother as sobo.

“Oh Yoshirou, come in, come in” the buzzer at the door acknowledged that he could push on the door. A smile was brought to Yoshi face was brought is an odd tense and clumsy and it is Yoshi's face - 's, something like ..  Yoshi smiled, his , his grandmother hasd always as far as he could remember pronounced his full name, although he much prefersred being referred to as Yoshi.

Yoshi pushed on the door and entered into entered and into mean the samethe tiny abode, he followed the typical protocol of removing his shoes and putting on some indoor slippers. He slowly walked down the corridor to a room at the back of the abode where his grandmother and mother would be gathered.

His mother was a striking woman, even in her early 50’s her skin was taut and her beauty still held much of its former glory, her hair was never ruffled and her clothes were always pressed and neat. But today he would not expect his normal greeting of cheerful smiles and warm hugs. There was sadness in this room, actually not just this room but all rooms across New Osaka will be tear soaked.

“Is it true, Yoshi”, her eyes were a mixture of fear, hope and sadness.

“Yes Mother, I have just come from Fleet HQ, the jump gate back to Earth does not work, they have send Jump probes back to the Earth system but within microseconds the probes are destroyed or malfunction and do not report any meaningful data.

“Nobody knows what is going on?

Her eyes expanded, liking to like a possum at night ”What of Takuma and Osamu?”, her nails involuntary gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting in, she then watched the pain in her sons face as he looked for the words to answer her with.

Takuma and Osamu are were, are is present tense - I thinkhis younger brothers, Takuma was the youngest and mothers favourite although she never said so, she had always smothered him with love and affection. Even from a young age Takuma lived up to his namesake, a true pioneer. He would escape mother’s clutches and run out into the woods and seek adventure. As he got older, instead of day trips they became overnight, then weekly, much to mother’s fretting.

Osuma was the black sheep of the family, he had always been stubborn and was determined to lead his own destiny, he clashed with mother often.  Mother often referred to Osuma as father’s mirror and many respects Osuma took the abuse that was often meant for father. Father of course could not take the abuse directly, because he had been with our this makes the story/narrator into a person, the ancestors now for over 15 years.

Yoshi bowed his head, understanding that he must reassure her, give her hope and perhaps believe some of that hope himself. “Look Mother, Osuma as you know has been living at the academy for the last two years and still not been assigned off planet.” Yoshi then proceed with a more gentler tone, “as for Takuma he was flying escort for a trade delegation to Eurlia, he was scheduled to be there a week before returning, all indications he had left the Earth system before whatever happened, and there is no indication that whatever has happened has spread outside that system.”

Her lips began to tremble as she was about to speak Yoshi cut in, “Look Mother, everything will be ok, I have to leave and head back to Fleet, if we are to figure out what is going on, they are going to need every officer.”

Her back stiffened as she regained her self control, she brushed some imaginary dust from the fabric of her skirt and rose to wish her son the best of travels, for she did not know how long before she would see him again.

Yoshi hugged his mother, their embrace was warm but stayed not sure what this means, stayed, strained perhaps? the context implies not quite as normal, he then turned to his grandmother with a tight lipped smile he mouthed the words “Please look after her”, with that he about faced and walked towards the front door.

.......................

You introduce Yoshi but fail to give him a problem and 'tell' all the way through. You need to 'show'. You've used the characters to hang the backstory on and little else. Conflict drives a scene, what if Yoshi wants to minimise the failed jumpgate and dismiss his mothers concerns to keep her from worrying while she is desperate to know everything. That way you can let the reader know about his 2 brothers potentially lost out in other systems, and let us know something about Yoshi.

You use the words - as you know, in dialogue. This is a bad thing to do, if she knows that then why is he telling her, it's simply you the writer telling the reader information.

Imagine if after her question "Is it true?"

Yoshi answers, "Mother, I've told you before, my work is classified, I'm not allowed to discuss it.."

then imagine how the two can have an argument, gradually revealling all the information to the reader.


Anyway, if you are still speaking to me, I'll read on and comment some more tomorrow when I have more time.
My Newbie AAR
 

Offline Erik L

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2011, 03:56:41 PM »
One thing any writing instructor will tell you is to avoid the passive voice. Use action verbs. "He is shooting the bad guys" - Passive. "He shot at the bad guys." - Active.

You might put the story in Word first. MS Word has a grammar checker. I'm not sure about Open Office. That will also catch any spelling errors of common words.

Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2011, 06:51:31 PM »
Very much appreciated MattyD, I will try and take note of the passive voice. Actually I do have it in Word otherwise the grammar would of been a lot worse hahahaha.

Anything that is green has already been fixed.

Most the other correction I understand what i have done wrong, but I have a question I do not understand

our this makes the story/narrator into a person, the



stayed not sure what this means, stayed, strained perhaps? the context implies not quite as normal

Stayed is similar to 'reserved' but not quite, but this might be australian/english colloquialism, I need to check.

Edit checked: Well it is actually written both ways stayed (webster dictionary) or staid (oxford) http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/staid, so it is an actual word and correct in it meaning I might change it to staid as I prefer the oxford dictionary over the others.

Thanks again I will try and learn these lesson although past and present tense may still be an issue for me, and good reading material about this I be interested to look at.


« Last Edit: June 08, 2011, 10:41:54 PM by ardem »
 

Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #4 on: June 08, 2011, 08:09:40 PM »
Another quick question MattyD if I may, you wrote

are were, are is present tense - I think

I am concerned that by using the word were it implies that the brothers are dead. By using were does that suggest that in your mind? Admittedly as you read on you can see that they are not.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2011, 10:41:41 PM by ardem »
 

Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2011, 08:19:57 PM »
I found this on the passive voice, I am hoping I now know what to look for here.

http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/passivevoice.html
 

Offline Erik L

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2011, 09:34:36 PM »
Another quick question Erik if I may, you wrote

are were, are is present tense - I think

I am concerned that by using the word were it implies that the brothers are dead. By using were does that suggest that in your mind? Admittedly as you read on you can see that they are not.

That was Matty actually.

You should pick one tense for your non-dialog sections, either present or past. You shouldn't mix them in the narrative. That being said, you can have the sentence
Quote
"I am going to the store," he said.
Things happening in dialog would be done in the tense from the character's viewpoint. If the character is referring to something in his past, obviously it's past tense; and so on.

Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2011, 10:42:29 PM »
Your right not sure how I missed that sorry MattyD, changed the text to reflect that.
 

Offline Erik L

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2011, 11:53:02 PM »
Your right not sure how I missed that sorry MattyD, changed the text to reflect that.

Technically that would be "you're" not "your" lol

Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2011, 02:17:23 AM »
hahaha Erik, it takes 100% concentration when I write the story and editing, what hope do I have when I type a post where I use only about 15% concentration and no editing, I think lets keep my grammar posts to the story, otherwise you will not find any rest if you start on my posts <smile>.
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2011, 01:23:48 AM »
First off, if English is your second language, you did a very good job.

Most of the errors the I found may be attributed to distractions while typing.

Quote
Many of the buildings of old japan was brought and reassembled brick by brick even the garden layouts were identical.

was/were  -  Since the subject, buildings, is plural, the verb should be as well.

Quote
Yoshi stops and inspect these two wooden doors, the same doors that would of seen entry to many of the

would of / would have  -  it is sometimes spoken the way you wrote it but never written unless you are trying to show someone's accent.

Quote
all those long years ago it was at Kure District Naval Headquarters.

A bit awkward.  maybe add "when" between ago and it.

Quote
After a short wait, the administrative assistant  lieutenant inform the CiC of his arrival.

inform should be informs or informed.

Quote
strange that all ranks below a command rank are westernise

westernise / westernized

Quote
He did always like the old ways

did always / always did

Quote
Lastly his eyes settle on the woman sitting behind the rather oversize oak desk

oversize / over sized

Quote
someone that they may of entered

Try: someone so that they may have thought they entered

Quote
“ I need to know my commanders, can handle this and will not make it uncomfortable with political pressure if they have the means or heaven forbids, public disclosure.”

This needs reworking.  I don't think I know what you are trying to say here. (note the irony of quoting the quote marks :) )





Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2011, 07:44:10 AM »
I wish English was my second language, unfortunately god granted me a head that understands machine code and point form documentation, far great then the ebb and flow of language and grammar.

But I am trying to improve, if only I listened in English class.

I unfortunately, am known as the 'lost child of the electronic age', although see late generation X not generation Y.

Thanks for your comments, I will make these improvements
« Last Edit: June 13, 2011, 09:54:40 AM by ardem »
 

Offline ardem (OP)

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2011, 09:29:24 AM »
First off, if English is your second language, you did a very good job.

Most of the errors the I found may be attributed to distractions while typing.

was/were  -  Since the subject, buildings, is plural, the verb should be as well.

Thank you for this, I did a little more looking into this, I will make sure to make a note of this in future.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_to_use_was_vs_were
 

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #13 on: June 14, 2011, 12:08:44 PM »
Not a native english speaker, but I´ll give Post 2 a try anyway, not going by rules (as I realy don´t know a lot of them) but more of about how it sounds

:)

Osuma’s hand grasped the bottom of the envelope as the other pulled the ‘Please Tear Here’ dotted seal, the envelope opened with a satisfying rip. The

envelope is stamped with the standard Fleet insignia’s and warnings, which goes with any official correspondence. Paper orders could only mean one thing

to the recipient, a commission.


grasped sounds strange to me. I would associate grasp more with understanding, "Osuma´s hand held the bottom..." would sound better IMO
Also, you use grasped (past) and opended (also past) but then switch to present with "is stamped", should probably be "was stamped"


All orders these days were transferred to digital pads or portable arm devices, via various types of communication software, each with its own purpose,

security and urgency. Commission orders were the last of the Mail Delivered Order, normally delivered by a junior officer. The paper order could be

retained as keepsake in a family album or mounted on a wall.


Mail Delivered Order sounds odd, should this be "Mail Delivery Order"?


Osuma had studied well, gained top marks in his class, excelled in Crew Motivation, Communications and Tactics as well as completing a small technical

course in Terra Manipulation. He kissed a few dislikeable senior butts, and made sure he said the appropriate things at the appropriate times.


dislikeable doesn´t sound so good, but unlikable is the only other expression I can think of and I´m not sure that sounds better. Perhaps someone else

can jump in?


“I am a damn taxi driver”


I would probably use "I´m", instead of "I am". I am sounds too formal for a guy thinking about himself


Osuma sighed, it could be worse, I could have no assignment. Three years had passed since officer graduation, and most of his fellow classmates have not

been given an assignment.  With only sixteen ships in the fleet, posting were rare, and commissions were only others dreams.


postings (plural) would probably be a better fit.


What truly had stung Osuma’s pride was the fact his younger brother had been given an assignment before him and on a Fleet gunboat. But then again, where

is his brother is now?


"What truly had hurt Osuma´s pride" sounds better, I think.


Two weeks and three days, trapped in a tiny holding cell, with five other people. The cell was designed to support one person.


I´d phrase it like this: "Two weeks and three days trapped with five other people in a tiny holding cell, designed to support only one person.


Tukama was tired of counting, the scratches marked into the bench,

Again, I would turn it around to: ...the marks scratched into the bench,...


Sleeping or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds without people, he would never again take for granted.


I think the second "without" should read "with" or "with other"
 

The Chimera and trade delegation’s civilian vessel docking at the Military orbital station, had gone smoothly.

For the Chimera, the trade delegation´s civilian vessel....
or
For the Chimera and the trade delegation´s civilian vessel...


The orbital station was not located around Eurlia, but one of the four moons.

but on/at one of the four moons


The communications with the Eurlians, was standard procedure was no hint of deception. After the ship was secured, Tukama met the trade delegation, and

together they march down the docking bridge towards the reception area. A gathering of civilian and senior military personnel,  and the official honour

guard were waiting to greet the delegation.


was standard procedure _with_ no hint...
or
was standard procedur and there was not hint... (the former sounds better, I think)

and together they marched (past) down...

While I don´t think there is something wrong with the last sentence (A gathering...), using "and" twice in one sentence doesn´t sound that good. I would

change it to "A gathering of civilian and senior military personnel along with the official...


No sooner had the Osakan Minister for Trade make a polite bow, did we release the honour guard was to become our armed escort. The tap of a ceremonial

sword against the boot, was the signal for the honour guard to level their guns in our direction.

No sooner had the Osakan Minister for Trade _made_ a polite bow, did _he_ release the honour guard to become our armed escort. The tap of a ceremonial

sword against the boot was the signal for _them_  to level...


The shock was instant, and even our normally quick witted security officer, could not flinch in the direction of his sidearm.


Flinch is a strange word here. I would associate flinch with moving back/away from something, not trying to reach for something.
"didn´t (manage to?) reach for his sidearm" ?



Tukama rubbed his face as he pondered, what were those words again, which seemed so inappropriate in the situation. He smiled now remembering “If you

please sir, could you follow me to your chamber”. As if the old man had any choice.


Wouldn´t use a comma here. "he pondered: What were those words again...? ending with a question mark  (btw, you sure use a lot of commas :)  )


“My name is Captain Willem Jord, you are the senior commanding officer, correct” the air of seriousness directed toward Tukama, squashed any hopes, that

this was some elaborate practical joke.


There needs to be a question mark after "correct", I belive


With a final look around, and a nod of reassurance to his security officer “Captain, I see we have no other choice but to do as you wish. If any member

of my crew is harmed, I will see that you are personally held responsible.”


"...to his security officer, he answerd:" or ", he responded:" or something to that effect

"...I will see _to it_ , that...



The Captain took a moment to process the meaning, and understood they were not said in a trivial sense “Very well, please give the orders for your crew

to lay down their weapons and access to board your craft.”


...were not _meant_ in a ... sounds better


Tukama snapped back to reality, it was almost time for his scheduled interrogation. The interrogation happened every day, lasted for approximately one

hour and been continuous for the last three weeks. The same questions were asked, and the same answers were given. Why did Earth cut off jump access, Is

your colony at war with us, why are our probes destroyed the moment they enter the Earth system. He followed these questions with the same answer “I do

not know”.


continuous suggests 24/7 of interrogation, not a re-occuring procedur. "and had been carried out for the last three weeks" ?
or leave the "happened every day" in the beginning of the sentence out and end with "and had been carried out every day for the last three weeks"


Tukama stroked his fingers down through his hair towards the nape of his neck, and proceeded to massage. No sooner was he given a slight level of

satisfaction, before the buzz of the cell door opened. He did not wait for the guard to call his name, instead put both his hands on knees and pushed

himself of the bench. As he stepped over a fellow inmate, he hear the cry of ‘Yuki’ from the guard, who was hovering his hand over the cell door button

ready to close the instant he made his way out.

stroked? should this be "stroke" ?
"the nape of his neck" never read that phrase, but "proceeded to massage _it_" sounds better, I think (whatever _it_ is :)  )
"satisfaction" is again a strange word to use. "relaxation", perhaps?
also, "no sooner was ... than he heard the buzz of the cell door opening" Not sure this is correct either, but sounds better IMO
"hear" should be heard (past)
... ready to close _it_ the ...



Tukama made a brief walk down the various corridors, arriving at interview room where he was seated and restraints applied. The room were spartan, two

chairs facing each other, split by a small table. Tukama would often sit alone for 5 to 10 minutes before the integrator entered the room, in that time

he would practise the Art of the Praying Mantis. His eyes would pick a spot on the wall and remain perfectly still. This art concentration, gave him an

acute awareness of his surroundings and own physical condition, to the point he could hear the mutterings of conversation outside the interview room. In

reality it made passing time easier than any nefarious benefit.


...arriving at _the_ interview room...
itegrator??  probably should be interrogator
...art concentration... would ...form of concentration... be better (I´m pretty sure, the _of_ has to go in in either case (art of concentration))?

...and _his_ own physical,,,


Mr Malik slinked into the chair directly opposite Tukama, taking time to arrange his papers and adjusting a recording device.

Not aware of the word "slinked" does it come from slide?


His hands came together infront of him with fingertips touching the opposing finger, in almost a religious praying gesture.


Hm, this sounds strange. How about: "with the fingertips of both hands touching each other" ?



“Of course Mr Malik, how would you prefer the answer “ I don’t know, today” Tukama followed the line with a smile.

There seems to be something missing between "...the answer" and "I don´t know..."


“Why has your government conspired with Earth and deny access to our colony and closed the Jump Gate” and so it began.

...and denied (past) access...


Yoshi first time on the bridge as a young ensign was embarrassing.


Yoshi is missing an ´s i.e. Yoshi´s first time...


Two hours he had been holding position outside the Grav Well designated 45dx23, waiting for the all clear from the scout vessel. A high level of security

surrounded these operations, the strange naming designation, false flight plans and encrypted communiqué back to Osaka. The reason for the security was

not because of  an alien threat, but from Osaka own civilian mining companies. These companies were ruthless in their pursuit on stripping the galaxy

clean, one rock at a time. Honourable conduct always came with a set of scales, and most time the profit gain tipped theses scales.


"The strange naming designation" is probably too much. Either "the stange naming" or "the strange designation" as name and designation is basicly the

same thing.

...but from Osaka´s own...
...the profit _to be gained_ tipped...


A visual representation of audio message flickered on the DEBD, from the direction of the Grav Well. Yoshirou eyes drifted across to the communication

officer, who had a finger to his ear and intently listening to the message. After a few moments the Ensigns face beamed with excitement “Shosa, the

Lucknow sends their compliments, the system is green”.


...a visual representation on _an_ audio message... (not sure how an audio message can be represented visually, though)


Yoshi understood the Ensign’s excitement, this was the first time in 40 years that the human race ventured into another system, it was a historical

moment. Admittedly the scout frigate was the first into the new system but they would never ventured far from the opposing grav well, whereas the George  

would venture far into the system, even perhaps eyeball  a few planets as they criss crossed looking for other paths out of the system. Future geo survey

explorations would capture the public imagination, create a tangible benefits to the civilian enterprises, but those exploration would take time,

compared to the mad dash around the outskirts of the system this ship was about to face.


from the _oposite_ grav well.   opposing suggests some form of opposition (i.e. enemy)



The Lieutenant punch at his console for a moment, the bridge bathed in a deep red hue, as the required safety lights engaged. A hum emanating deep in the

bowels of the ship, as the 1000 tonne jump engine, was gaining and storing power. This was in preparation, so the ship could pierce normal space into the

gravity well then back into normal space within a micro second.


The Lieutenant _punched_ (past) at...
...the bridge _was_ bathed...



For those that never had never experienced a jump, did not miss much. The movies from the 20th and 21st Centuries could of not been more wrong. There was

no blinding flash, no coloured kaleidoscope, clouds, whirlpools, or watching you body stretch and shrink in unnatural ways. There was only the increasing

hum from the engines, followed by a decreasing hum. This followed with your visual cortex readjusting to stars that had changed position. First year

chemistry was actually more exciting.


...that never had never ...    one never too much
...a jump, _you_ did not...
...could _have_ not been...    even so I think I remember to have read "could _of_ not been" sometimes too



Lieutant Kurogane busied himself at his console, trying to bring back the various sensors and communication data.
Lieutanant Kurogane had recently been assigned as the replacement XO, the previous XO was long overdue for retirement. Kurogane was awkward individual,



...Kurogane was _an_ awkward...



Yoshi clasped his hands behind his back, “Very well Mr Kurogane, please proceed. The Lucknow will hold position for a few days before returning back to

New Osaka, so align the information feeds direct to their databases, you can find me in my cabin if you need me” Yoshi about-faced and walk towards his

quarters.


...feeds direct_ly_ to...
...about-faced and _walked_ (past)...


Yoshi contemplated what the next month would hold, by then he would have preliminary data, and he hoped more grav wells to explore, which was the main

purpose of the expedition.


I know the prase "what the future holds" but would use "what the next month would bring"



Again, and I can not stress this enough. I don´t know most grammar rules in english, I read a lot in english and belive I have a "feel" for what sounds

right and what not.
Discard any of my suggestions as you wish.

Edit:
Holy crap, this got bloody long  :)
Ralph Hoenig, Germany
 

Offline Erik L

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Re: Gammar and Creative Improvements
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2011, 12:46:57 PM »
Going to reply to some of Hawkeye's comments :)

I'd change the entire sentence to "Osuma ripped the envelope open with a satisfying tear."

Replace "dislikeable" with "arrogant" or "insufferable"

Quote
Sleeping or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds without people, he would never again take for granted.
This should read (grammar-wise) "Sleeping, or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds of other people, he would never again take for granted."

Quote
Quote
The Chimera and trade delegation’s civilian vessel docking at the Military orbital station, had gone smoothly.


For the Chimera, the trade delegation´s civilian vessel....
or
For the Chimera and the trade delegation´s civilian vessel...

Are these two different ships? If so, slip a "the" in front of the word trade. If they are not, go with Hawkeye's first suggestion.

Quote
Flinch is a strange word here. I would associate flinch with moving back/away from something, not trying to reach for something.
"didn´t (manage to?) reach for his sidearm" ?
Use "twitched" or possibly even "could not begin to move". You are expressing total surprise here.

Quote
With a final look around, and a nod of reassurance to his security officer “Captain, I see we have no other choice but to do as you wish. If any member of my crew is harmed, I will see that you are personally held responsible.”
Comma after officer. "... his security officer, 'Captain, I see... "