Gammar and Creative Improvements

[ardem (OP)]

hahaa am I getting better or worse LOL, although there are a couple of comments I am not sure about, which is more about style then grammar, when I have time I will go through them.

Yes on the note of commas you are probably right, I am over compensating. Most times I forget them and then probably put more in then needed. I need to review the lowly comma.

[ardem (OP)]

Sorry for the delay, it takes me a while to put pen to paper and clean it up, although I feel the last piece I have written is quite complex and probably need a few runs through. But I have tried to make sure I have created active statement and used one tense. Let hope the grammar is slightly improved.

[ShadoCat]

Post 6

I hope that this is what you are looking for...

First paragraph.  I'll make the grammar changes in the paragraph.  There are many minor issues, mostly dealing with commas. 

There are two typos:  "outmanoeuvre" (two words) and "exploded space" (explored?).

Sakiko leaned back into her chair staring out her office window. Darkness shrouded the city skyline; with small specks of light the only identifier the city was there. Her thoughts were contemplating how to tactically out maneuver her opponent. She looked back towards the phonevid screen, “Minister Tako. How am I suppose to protect your geo survey ships when I don’t even have enough ships to defend a small portion of exploded space?” The minister was a fat pompous pig of a man whose only interest was money making to pay off his many mistresses. These were a few of the thoughts boiling in Sakiko's brain as she tried to control her anger.

The fact that the only thought was her description of Tako doesn't match with "These were a few of the thoughts boiling in Sakiko's brain..." 

Maybe: it was an example of the many thoughts boiling...

Try looking at this:  http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

I won't make any further comma comments for this post.

Further down:  "my dear who is he calling my dear" 

Maybe use single quotes around the two "my dear"s.  This indicates that she is quoting him without looking like she is speaking.  Also, start a new sentence after that, sgtarting with "These."

"Our fleet is no larger in strength then" 

Common mistake; should be "than".  "Then" is a time indicator.  Compare "rather than" with "then it happened".

"in her deliver" should be "in her delivery".

Same sentence: period after "notch"

"Sakiko had complete forgot her dinner date."  should be "Sakiko had completely forgoten her dinner date."

"They had met at a defence contractors" should be "They had met at a defense contractor's" if it was one contractor or "They had met at a defense contractors' " if there were more than one contractor.  Also note spelling of "defense".

"once of the primary shipping contractor to the government"  looks like you changed directions mid sentence.  If I read it correctly this might be better "one of the primary shipping contractors to the government"

"the leader of New Osaka most powerful" should be "the leader of New Osaka's most powerful"

"She noted a thought, " I would change to "She noted a thought: " but that is more style than rule.

"She rose and brush at" should be "She rose and brushed at"

"sneaky thought perhaps" I think the following flows better "sneaky thought that perhaps"

[ShadoCat]

Post 7

"The sending of reports have been no problem"  This is a common mistake.  "The sending" is what's been no problem not the reports.  Since "the sending" is singular, "have" should be "has".

"nor any hint" should be "nor is there any hint"

"I believe you find the next report highly interesting"  should be "I believe you will find the next report highly interesting".

"He did not think about his brothers often"  who does "he" refer to, Osuma or his brother?

[ardem (OP)]

Thanks for the corrections, a couple I should of picked up which were an oversights, like word missing or missing tense.

I will make your corrections shortly.

Question in reference to He when starting a sentence. Such as "He did not think of his brothers often."

Since I find  'Osuma did this', 'Osuma did that', in a paragraph to be too much. My thoughts are in a paragraph devoted to a person's actions, the use of 'He' would be acceptable. Just interested on your thought not questioning whether your right or wrong. It seems I come across a lot where I have the subject (person) with multiple actions in a paragraph, and prefer not to use multiple uses of the person's name.

Thanks for the link on comma's

I appreciate your efforts in finding those issues. I do feel I already have taken some valuable lessons and improved, but obviously got a long way to go.

[procyon]

Two things that help me:

Find someone you get along with well enough for them proofread your story without getting mad at them.
I made a lot fewer corrections after my wife started proofreading my story.  We still have a fair number of mistakes get through (as I've said, I am NOT an english major) but it is far less than what you will find in my early posts.

Write your post - but don't post it for 3-4 days.  Leave it alone.  Then come back to it and re-read it.  You will be shocked at how many mistakes you find.  Right after writing the post you will read what you think you wrote.  A few days later you read the actual words.

At least these two things have helped me.

[ShadoCat]

Thanks for the corrections, a couple I should of picked up which were an oversights, like word missing or missing tense.

You are welcome.  I don't always have that much time to spend on a post but when I do, I'll post what I find.

Question in reference to He when starting a sentence. Such as "He did not think of his brothers often."

Since I find  'Osuma did this', 'Osuma did that', in a paragraph to be too much. My thoughts are in a paragraph devoted to a person's actions, the use of 'He' would be acceptable. Just interested on your thought not questioning whether your right or wrong. It seems I come across a lot where I have the subject (person) with multiple actions in a paragraph, and prefer not to use multiple uses of the person's name.

The general rule is you can use a pronoun whenever it doesn't confuse the reader.  The trick here is that *you* know who you are talking about.  So, you won't always catch when there is a problem.  This is where having that proofreader can come in handy.

I appreciate your efforts in finding those issues. I do feel I already have taken some valuable lessons and improved, but obviously got a long way to go.

I have already seen an improvement.  Your posts are now readable.

I tend to break problems into three categories:  must do, should do, and might do.  I think that we are currently in the "should do" phase.

[Erik L]

You might also try reading it out loud. You'll find mistakes that way too.

[ardem (OP)]

Two things that help me:

Find someone you get along with well enough for them proofread your story without getting mad at them.
I made a lot fewer corrections after my wife started proofreading my story.  We still have a fair number of mistakes get through (as I've said, I am NOT an english major) but it is far less than what you will find in my early posts.

That is part of my problem my wife who is very good with grammar. I would love for her to proof reader, but she gets me frustrated and a bit angry. She can be very condescending, also she is not a huge fan of scifi.

Write your post - but don't post it for 3-4 days.  Leave it alone.  Then come back to it and re-read it.  You will be shocked at how many mistakes you find.  Right after writing the post you will read what you think you wrote.  A few days later you read the actual words.

At least these two things have helped me.

I been doing something similar since my mind is full of ideas, I just jot it down on paper. The wording is quite disgusting, I then revisit it and made all the corrections. This can be with two or three tries then I post. I think I am missing your final step which is another revisit in a day or two, which I will implement.

[ardem (OP)]

I have already seen an improvement.  Your posts are now readable.

I tend to break problems into three categories:  must do, should do, and might do.  I think that we are currently in the "should do" phase.

Hopefully they are not just readable but enjoyable <wink>

Well let us press onwards to the should do stage.

[ardem (OP)]

You might also try reading it out loud. You'll find mistakes that way too.

I do this but, I have got one of these minds that fill in blanks, even speaking out loud. For instance, a word is missing, I will read it three times my mind will fill in the word, but not recognise that it is missing consciencely.

Probably why I am so good with puzzles and other peoples bad grammar. <Smile> It also why I can finish a book, twice the speed of most people, and gather the key information.

What I need to do is slow my reading speed, to about 3rd grade level. Which is more about discipline and training I believe its getting a little better and also with all you help which I appreciate.

[procyon]

That is part of my problem my wife who is very good with grammar. I would love for her to proof reader, but she gets me frustrated and a bit angry. She can be very condescending, also she is not a huge fan of scifi.

Mine can be disagreeable some days (as can I), but she loves to read and Starfire is something we share.  So for that reason she loves to read the stories I write about her game.  It would be a bigger chore to find a proofreader who does it just for the sake of reading.  Perhaps you could find someone on the board you could run it past before you post it ?

I been doing something similar since my mind is full of ideas, I just jot it down on paper. The wording is quite disgusting, I then revisit it and made all the corrections. This can be with two or three tries then I post. I think I am missing your final step which is another revisit in a day or two, which I will implement.

It is a good idea to put it down on paper first and rough out the outline.  I always put together an outline of all the events I want to cover in a month and who was involved.  Then I write up a rough draft of the events.  Then my wife gets to read it.  She usually catches when I leave words out, put words in that don't fit, or make a statement that she can't understand what I am writing about.  Finally the post sits for a few days and then I go back and re-read it to make sure we got as many mistakes out as possible, and that it makes sense.

I also make a large outline that covers the story for a year or two out, just so that I don't start a storyline that ends up dead ending because nothing happens to that character for a while.  It would be frustrating to have put together a very interesting character just to have them end up stranded far away from the real action of the story.

[ardem (OP)]

Post 6

"They had met at a defence contractors" should be "They had met at a defense contractor's" if it was one contractor or "They had met at a defense contractors' " if there were more than one contractor.  Also note spelling of "defense".

I almost came back here to mock you <wink> on this incorrect spelling of defence. Being an Australian and using the queen's English spelling 'defence' is spelt with a 'C'. E.G Australia Defence Force.

Luckily, I sat for a moment and remember that the story is about Japanese influences, which had been 'incorrectly' influenced by American spelling after World War 2 and Japanese Defense Force is spelt with an S.

But I will refuse to spell colour without the 'u' and will also refuse to spell night 'nite'. Just because your forefathers decided to change English because of laziness, there is no excuse for me. <wink>


Anyway thanks for your corrections they have been made.

[boggo2300]

I almost came back here to mock you <wink> on this incorrect spelling of defence. Being an Australian and using the queen's English spelling 'defence' is spelt with a 'C'. E.G Australia Defence Force.

Luckily, I sat for a moment and remember that the story is about Japanese influences, which had been 'incorrectly' influenced by American spelling after World War 2 and Japanese Defense Force is spelt with an S.

But I will refuse to spell colour without the 'u' and will also refuse to spell night 'nite'. Just because your forefathers decided to change English because of laziness, there is no excuse for me. <wink>


Anyway thanks for your corrections they have been made.

Ahh but do you spell Jail like that or the correct way?
Matt

[ardem (OP)]

Both ways are still acceptable Gaol and Jail. Although in most historical site have the word as Gaol.

But we tend to use neither in every day life we tend to use the word 'prison', or 'lockup' for a cell at the police station, or 'correctional facility' in official circles.