Not a native english speaker, but I´ll give Post 2 a try anyway, not going by rules (as I realy don´t know a lot of them) but more of about how it sounds
Osuma’s hand grasped the bottom of the envelope as the other pulled the ‘Please Tear Here’ dotted seal, the envelope opened with a satisfying rip. The
envelope is stamped with the standard Fleet insignia’s and warnings, which goes with any official correspondence. Paper orders could only mean one thing
to the recipient, a commission.
grasped sounds strange to me. I would associate grasp more with understanding, "Osuma´s hand held the bottom..." would sound better IMO
Also, you use grasped (past) and opended (also past) but then switch to present with "is stamped", should probably be "was stamped"
All orders these days were transferred to digital pads or portable arm devices, via various types of communication software, each with its own purpose,
security and urgency. Commission orders were the last of the Mail Delivered Order, normally delivered by a junior officer. The paper order could be
retained as keepsake in a family album or mounted on a wall.
Mail Delivered Order sounds odd, should this be "Mail Delivery Order"?
Osuma had studied well, gained top marks in his class, excelled in Crew Motivation, Communications and Tactics as well as completing a small technical
course in Terra Manipulation. He kissed a few dislikeable senior butts, and made sure he said the appropriate things at the appropriate times.
dislikeable doesn´t sound so good, but unlikable is the only other expression I can think of and I´m not sure that sounds better. Perhaps someone else
can jump in?
“I am a damn taxi driver”
I would probably use "I´m", instead of "I am". I am sounds too formal for a guy thinking about himself
Osuma sighed, it could be worse, I could have no assignment. Three years had passed since officer graduation, and most of his fellow classmates have not
been given an assignment. With only sixteen ships in the fleet, posting were rare, and commissions were only others dreams.
postings (plural) would probably be a better fit.
What truly had stung Osuma’s pride was the fact his younger brother had been given an assignment before him and on a Fleet gunboat. But then again, where
is his brother is now?
"What truly had hurt Osuma´s pride" sounds better, I think.
Two weeks and three days, trapped in a tiny holding cell, with five other people. The cell was designed to support one person.
I´d phrase it like this: "Two weeks and three days trapped with five other people in a tiny holding cell, designed to support only one person.
Tukama was tired of counting, the scratches marked into the bench,
Again, I would turn it around to: ...the marks scratched into the bench,...
Sleeping or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds without people, he would never again take for granted.
I think the second "without" should read "with" or "with other"
The Chimera and trade delegation’s civilian vessel docking at the Military orbital station, had gone smoothly.
For the Chimera, the trade delegation´s civilian vessel....
or
For the Chimera and the trade delegation´s civilian vessel...
The orbital station was not located around Eurlia, but one of the four moons.
but on/at one of the four moons
The communications with the Eurlians, was standard procedure was no hint of deception. After the ship was secured, Tukama met the trade delegation, and
together they march down the docking bridge towards the reception area. A gathering of civilian and senior military personnel, and the official honour
guard were waiting to greet the delegation.
was standard procedure _with_ no hint...
or
was standard procedur and there was not hint... (the former sounds better, I think)
and together they marched (past) down...
While I don´t think there is something wrong with the last sentence (A gathering...), using "and" twice in one sentence doesn´t sound that good. I would
change it to "A gathering of civilian and senior military personnel along with the official...
No sooner had the Osakan Minister for Trade make a polite bow, did we release the honour guard was to become our armed escort. The tap of a ceremonial
sword against the boot, was the signal for the honour guard to level their guns in our direction.
No sooner had the Osakan Minister for Trade _made_ a polite bow, did _he_ release the honour guard to become our armed escort. The tap of a ceremonial
sword against the boot was the signal for _them_ to level...
The shock was instant, and even our normally quick witted security officer, could not flinch in the direction of his sidearm.
Flinch is a strange word here. I would associate flinch with moving back/away from something, not trying to reach for something.
"didn´t (manage to?) reach for his sidearm" ?
Tukama rubbed his face as he pondered, what were those words again, which seemed so inappropriate in the situation. He smiled now remembering “If you
please sir, could you follow me to your chamber”. As if the old man had any choice.
Wouldn´t use a comma here. "he pondered: What were those words again...? ending with a question mark (btw, you sure use a lot of commas
)
“My name is Captain Willem Jord, you are the senior commanding officer, correct” the air of seriousness directed toward Tukama, squashed any hopes, that
this was some elaborate practical joke.
There needs to be a question mark after "correct", I belive
With a final look around, and a nod of reassurance to his security officer “Captain, I see we have no other choice but to do as you wish. If any member
of my crew is harmed, I will see that you are personally held responsible.”
"...to his security officer, he answerd:" or ", he responded:" or something to that effect
"...I will see _to it_ , that...
The Captain took a moment to process the meaning, and understood they were not said in a trivial sense “Very well, please give the orders for your crew
to lay down their weapons and access to board your craft.”
...were not _meant_ in a ... sounds better
Tukama snapped back to reality, it was almost time for his scheduled interrogation. The interrogation happened every day, lasted for approximately one
hour and been continuous for the last three weeks. The same questions were asked, and the same answers were given. Why did Earth cut off jump access, Is
your colony at war with us, why are our probes destroyed the moment they enter the Earth system. He followed these questions with the same answer “I do
not know”.
continuous suggests 24/7 of interrogation, not a re-occuring procedur. "and had been carried out for the last three weeks" ?
or leave the "happened every day" in the beginning of the sentence out and end with "and had been carried out every day for the last three weeks"
Tukama stroked his fingers down through his hair towards the nape of his neck, and proceeded to massage. No sooner was he given a slight level of
satisfaction, before the buzz of the cell door opened. He did not wait for the guard to call his name, instead put both his hands on knees and pushed
himself of the bench. As he stepped over a fellow inmate, he hear the cry of ‘Yuki’ from the guard, who was hovering his hand over the cell door button
ready to close the instant he made his way out.
stroked? should this be "stroke" ?
"the nape of his neck" never read that phrase, but "proceeded to massage _it_" sounds better, I think (whatever _it_ is
)
"satisfaction" is again a strange word to use. "relaxation", perhaps?
also, "no sooner was ... than he heard the buzz of the cell door opening" Not sure this is correct either, but sounds better IMO
"hear" should be heard (past)
... ready to close _it_ the ...
Tukama made a brief walk down the various corridors, arriving at interview room where he was seated and restraints applied. The room were spartan, two
chairs facing each other, split by a small table. Tukama would often sit alone for 5 to 10 minutes before the integrator entered the room, in that time
he would practise the Art of the Praying Mantis. His eyes would pick a spot on the wall and remain perfectly still. This art concentration, gave him an
acute awareness of his surroundings and own physical condition, to the point he could hear the mutterings of conversation outside the interview room. In
reality it made passing time easier than any nefarious benefit.
...arriving at _the_ interview room...
itegrator?? probably should be interrogator
...art concentration... would ...form of concentration... be better (I´m pretty sure, the _of_ has to go in in either case (art of concentration))?
...and _his_ own physical,,,
Mr Malik slinked into the chair directly opposite Tukama, taking time to arrange his papers and adjusting a recording device.
Not aware of the word "slinked" does it come from slide?
His hands came together infront of him with fingertips touching the opposing finger, in almost a religious praying gesture.
Hm, this sounds strange. How about: "with the fingertips of both hands touching each other" ?
“Of course Mr Malik, how would you prefer the answer “ I don’t know, today” Tukama followed the line with a smile.
There seems to be something missing between "...the answer" and "I don´t know..."
“Why has your government conspired with Earth and deny access to our colony and closed the Jump Gate” and so it began.
...and denied (past) access...
Yoshi first time on the bridge as a young ensign was embarrassing.
Yoshi is missing an ´s i.e. Yoshi´s first time...
Two hours he had been holding position outside the Grav Well designated 45dx23, waiting for the all clear from the scout vessel. A high level of security
surrounded these operations, the strange naming designation, false flight plans and encrypted communiqué back to Osaka. The reason for the security was
not because of an alien threat, but from Osaka own civilian mining companies. These companies were ruthless in their pursuit on stripping the galaxy
clean, one rock at a time. Honourable conduct always came with a set of scales, and most time the profit gain tipped theses scales.
"The strange naming designation" is probably too much. Either "the stange naming" or "the strange designation" as name and designation is basicly the
same thing.
...but from Osaka´s own...
...the profit _to be gained_ tipped...
A visual representation of audio message flickered on the DEBD, from the direction of the Grav Well. Yoshirou eyes drifted across to the communication
officer, who had a finger to his ear and intently listening to the message. After a few moments the Ensigns face beamed with excitement “Shosa, the
Lucknow sends their compliments, the system is green”.
...a visual representation on _an_ audio message... (not sure how an audio message can be represented visually, though)
Yoshi understood the Ensign’s excitement, this was the first time in 40 years that the human race ventured into another system, it was a historical
moment. Admittedly the scout frigate was the first into the new system but they would never ventured far from the opposing grav well, whereas the George
would venture far into the system, even perhaps eyeball a few planets as they criss crossed looking for other paths out of the system. Future geo survey
explorations would capture the public imagination, create a tangible benefits to the civilian enterprises, but those exploration would take time,
compared to the mad dash around the outskirts of the system this ship was about to face.
from the _oposite_ grav well. opposing suggests some form of opposition (i.e. enemy)
The Lieutenant punch at his console for a moment, the bridge bathed in a deep red hue, as the required safety lights engaged. A hum emanating deep in the
bowels of the ship, as the 1000 tonne jump engine, was gaining and storing power. This was in preparation, so the ship could pierce normal space into the
gravity well then back into normal space within a micro second.
The Lieutenant _punched_ (past) at...
...the bridge _was_ bathed...
For those that never had never experienced a jump, did not miss much. The movies from the 20th and 21st Centuries could of not been more wrong. There was
no blinding flash, no coloured kaleidoscope, clouds, whirlpools, or watching you body stretch and shrink in unnatural ways. There was only the increasing
hum from the engines, followed by a decreasing hum. This followed with your visual cortex readjusting to stars that had changed position. First year
chemistry was actually more exciting.
...that never had never ... one never too much
...a jump, _you_ did not...
...could _have_ not been... even so I think I remember to have read "could _of_ not been" sometimes too
Lieutant Kurogane busied himself at his console, trying to bring back the various sensors and communication data.
Lieutanant Kurogane had recently been assigned as the replacement XO, the previous XO was long overdue for retirement. Kurogane was awkward individual,
...Kurogane was _an_ awkward...
Yoshi clasped his hands behind his back, “Very well Mr Kurogane, please proceed. The Lucknow will hold position for a few days before returning back to
New Osaka, so align the information feeds direct to their databases, you can find me in my cabin if you need me” Yoshi about-faced and walk towards his
quarters.
...feeds direct_ly_ to...
...about-faced and _walked_ (past)...
Yoshi contemplated what the next month would hold, by then he would have preliminary data, and he hoped more grav wells to explore, which was the main
purpose of the expedition.
I know the prase "what the future holds" but would use "what the next month would bring"
Again, and I can not stress this enough. I don´t know most grammar rules in english, I read a lot in english and belive I have a "feel" for what sounds
right and what not.
Discard any of my suggestions as you wish.
Edit:
Holy crap, this got bloody long