Test of Wills Discussion

[Haegan2005]

The last eight or so posts didn't "flow" together as well as your 1st battle.I am not sure why.

[Þórgrímr]

The last eight or so posts didn't "flow" together as well as your 1st battle.I am not sure why.

If you could expand on why, I would greatly appreciate it. But I half suspect it is due to the way I had to chop up Chapter seven to make these posts.

Since you are the only one who has been commenting, if you want a full copy of the book, just PM me with your Email and I will send it to you. That way you can see if it helps for it to not be chopped up.  :wink:



Cheers, ??rgr?mr

[ShadoCat]

Ok folks, I posted up to the end of the first large battle. Before I post anymore, I would like some feedback. Suggestions, critiques, likes dislikes, the whole works.  

Somewhere after the battle was lost and Starfall was getting ready to leave the planet with the convoy, I lost the flow of what was happening.  I don't know if it was the story or if I got distracted.

Also, at the end there when one carrier was said to have 3 fighters and another had 2, we kept seeing more Roman fighters.  Where did they come from?

[ShadoCat]

Oh, love the story BTW.  I forgot to mention that I was picking nits.

[Þórgrímr]

Somewhere after the battle was lost and Starfall was getting ready to leave the planet with the convoy, I lost the flow of what was happening.  I don't know if it was the story or if I got distracted.

Also, at the end there when one carrier was said to have 3 fighters and another had 2, we kept seeing more Roman fighters.  Where did they come from?

As with Haegan2005, I think it may be that I had to chop up chapter seven pretty badly to fit it in the posts. It is a rather large Chapter with a lot of scene changes. It is also possible I made it a bit to chaotic. I was trying to convey the idea that the battle was a full blown cluster**** and hard to keep track of.

Lol, good catch about the fighters. Umm... there are more carrier squadons than the ones mentioned, yeah thats the ticket.  

I am glad you are enjoying the story so far, and keep picking those nits, it keeps me on my toes.    

If you would like a copy to read and see if it flows a bit better not chopped up PM me your Email addy and I will send you a copy. I think I should send you a copy on principal just because you helped me with advice when I first got out of the hospital with the Bi-Lat PE and diabetes.

So, if you wish a copy, let me know. Also, would you mind if I used your name in Book 2, A Test of Wills: The Time of Blood?



Cheers, ??rgr?mr

[Haegan2005]

in chapter seven we have the freighter dodgeing Needle fighters. In the previous chapter we have erics brifing, the emergence of the Denevens fromthe stargate and their begining attack on the freighters, then Eric loading up onto a ship and the other marines admiring the "scenery". Unless the loading dock was ten minutes away or the freighters only a little slower then the Deneven DD then there is a continuity problem here. It may be what threw me off. I will continue reading.

As a side note, I am not looking for capitalization errors or even misspellings. Just erratic story telling errors. It would take a disinterested third party to take a vast amount of time to look for those 1st two errors.

[Þórgrímr]

in chapter seven we have the freighter dodgeing Needle fighters. In the previous chapter we have erics brifing, the emergence of the Denevens fromthe stargate and their begining attack on the freighters, then Eric loading up onto a ship and the other marines admiring the "scenery". Unless the loading dock was ten minutes away or the freighters only a little slower then the Deneven DD then there is a continuity problem here. It may be what threw me off. I will continue reading.

As a side note, I am not looking for capitalization errors or even misspellings. Just erratic story telling errors. It would take a disinterested third party to take a vast amount of time to look for those 1st two errors.

The Marines were based in a different star system, so I am not sure I quite follow the problem. Sorry for being dense on my part.  :wink:  

[Haegan2005]

In other words, the way the scenes go, you have eric at the briefing, then the Dens coming through the gate then eric loading onboard the ship then the fight scene with the starfall and the Dens. Even if it takes place in a diff chapter you still have a time flow disconnect. Unless eric is walking very very fast, he shouldn't be loading up until after the starfall reaches at least halfway to the planet.

in chapter seven we have the freighter dodgeing Needle fighters. In the previous chapter we have erics brifing, the emergence of the Denevens fromthe stargate and their begining attack on the freighters, then Eric loading up onto a ship and the other marines admiring the "scenery". Unless the loading dock was ten minutes away or the freighters only a little slower then the Deneven DD then there is a continuity problem here. It may be what threw me off. I will continue reading.

As a side note, I am not looking for capitalization errors or even misspellings. Just erratic story telling errors. It would take a disinterested third party to take a vast amount of time to look for those 1st two errors.

The Marines were based in a different star system, so I am not sure I quite follow the problem. Sorry for being dense on my part.  :wink:  

[Þórgrímr]

In other words, the way the scenes go, you have eric at the briefing, then the Dens coming through the gate then eric loading onboard the ship then the fight scene with the starfall and the Dens. Even if it takes place in a diff chapter you still have a time flow disconnect. Unless eric is walking very very fast, he shouldn't be loading up until after the starfall reaches at least halfway to the planet.

AH HA! I think I know the problem now, you are forgetting about the Presidential Briefing that sets into motion the movement of US military forces towards the frontier. It is just coincidence that Eric's unit begins its move when the assault begins. The Presidential Orders were given a few weeks before.

[Haegan2005]

I will reread again. Maybe I was ditracted. I have reread the battle scene again. It does flow together much better now.

In other words, the way the scenes go, you have eric at the briefing, then the Dens coming through the gate then eric loading onboard the ship then the fight scene with the starfall and the Dens. Even if it takes place in a diff chapter you still have a time flow disconnect. Unless eric is walking very very fast, he shouldn't be loading up until after the starfall reaches at least halfway to the planet.

AH HA! I think I know the problem now, you are forgetting about the Presidential Briefing that sets into motion the movement of US military forces towards the frontier. It is just coincidence that Eric's unit begins its move when the assault begins. The Presidential Orders were given a few weeks before.

[Þórgrímr]

I will reread again. Maybe I was ditracted. I have reread the battle scene again. It does flow together much better now.

The Presidential Briefing begins Chapter four on page 46. And I really apprecite your feedback dude.  

[ShadoCat]

I am glad you are enjoying the story so far, and keep picking those nits, it keeps me on my toes.  

You can pretty much count on that.  <grin>

If you would like a copy to read and see if it flows a bit better not chopped up PM me your Email addy and I will send you a copy. I think I should send you a copy on principal just because you helped me with advice when I first got out of the hospital with the Bi-Lat PE and diabetes.

So, if you wish a copy, let me know. Also, would you mind if I used your name in Book 2, A Test of Wills: The Time of Blood?

Thank you.  That would be great.  I'll PM you but my emails not a secret, I just obfuscate it to keep the spambots at bay.  It's my [nic] + 2atcoxdotnet

Feel free to use my name as you wish.  It'll be interesting to see what "I" am up to in your story.

BTW, I am enjoying the B5 references.  I was involved with AgamemCon a while back and had great fun with it.

[Þórgrímr]

You can pretty much count on that.  <grin>

Thank you.  That would be great.  I'll PM you but my emails not a secret, I just obfuscate it to keep the spambots at bay.  It's my [nic] + 2atcoxdotnet

Feel free to use my name as you wish.  It'll be interesting to see what "I" am up to in your story.

BTW, I am enjoying the B5 references.  I was involved with AgamemCon a while back and had great fun with it.

I will get that to you ASAP. Yeah I love B-5. And I do have a lot of references to other sci fi stuff in the book. I watch and read way TOO much sci fi.  :oops:  As soopn as I get that portion cleaned up I will get you and Shadocat your copies. Give me a day or two.

[Haegan2005]

Tera?Kah had noticed something in that file he connected with, Anj?Sah would speak his mind despite protocol if she thought she was right

So is Anj?Sah male or femal?

[Þórgrímr]

Tera?Kah had noticed something in that file he connected with, Anj?Sah would speak his mind despite protocol if she thought she was right

So is Anj?Sah male or femal? :wink:  What page was that on so I can change it.