Post by: Þórgrímr on October 01, 2009, 10:59:45 PM
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 02, 2009, 05:32:10 PM
I don't know if "irrelevant" is the word you want here. It just left out at me and took me out of the flow as I was reading. "Insignificant" might be a better word.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 02, 2009, 06:21:22 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
"“What the hell is Stasis Sleep?” The Gunny asked; his interest piqued by this intriguing subject. Anything that could reduce the number of men dying from injuries that would have been irrelevant if they could be delivered to a hospital in time had to be a good thing."
I don't know if "irrelevant" is the word you want here. It just left out at me and took me out of the flow as I was reading. "Insignificant" might be a better word.
Good catch. I think unimportant may be the correct one. Since the point I was trying to convey was that life threatening injuries would become not as much of a threat, so I think unimportant may be the one. I will try that one. Let me know if it still breaks the flow, and if so I will try insignificant. :D
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 02, 2009, 08:40:43 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
EDIT: ShadoCat, you were correct. Insignificant is the best word to use. I tried unimportant and it just did not 'feel' right. Thanks for the heads up bud! :D
Glad to help.
Post by: ZimRathbone on October 05, 2009, 07:16:39 PM
Do you mean "epiphany" ie an illuminating discovery or realisation, or the Coming of the Magi?
Unless of course this is another of the words like "color" or "labor" that seperate American English from the Queens English?
I would be tempted to use a much simpler word like "idea" or "thought", especially given the situation that the Gunny is in at the moment - its a matter of personal taste but for me "epiphany" has flavours of contemplation, reflection & working at a problem over time, and is usually more to do with an understanding of how the world works, or of ones own personal nature rather than the sort of immediate lightbulb incident you are describing - I don't think its quite appropiate for where the story is at this time.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 05, 2009, 07:50:32 PM
Quote from: "ZimRathbone"
"When he finished his search he had an ephinay and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working."
Do you mean "epiphany" ie an illuminating discovery or realisation, or the Coming of the Magi?
Unless of course this is another of the words like "color" or "labor" that seperate American English from the Queens English?
I would be tempted to use a much simpler word like "idea" or "thought", especially given the situation that the Gunny is in at the moment - its a matter of personal taste but for me "epiphany" has flavours of contemplation, reflection & working at a problem over time, and is usually more to do with an understanding of how the world works, or of ones own personal nature rather than the sort of immediate lightbulb incident you are describing - I don't think its quite appropiate for where the story is at this time.
Lol, it was meant to be 'illuminating discovery'. And I can see your point. Will change to he had a sudden thought. Good catch. Thanks bud.
EDIT: Changed to the following, When he finished his search he had a sudden flash of inspiration and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working.
Let me know if this is better.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on October 06, 2009, 01:11:26 PM
Quote
“Godspeed Gunnery Sergeant,” the captain whispered softly. “God willing, I will see you again in the future.” With that the Captain vanished, never to be seen.
Should there be an 'again' at he end of that line?
Quote
including thre cobalt bombs
typo?
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 06, 2009, 01:25:43 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
Quote“Godspeed Gunnery Sergeant,” the captain whispered softly. “God willing, I will see you again in the future.” With that the Captain vanished, never to be seen.
Should there be an 'again' at he end of that line?Quoteincluding thre cobalt bombs
typo?
That is a good question. And the answer is yes and no. This has been a sentence I have been struggling with for some time now. Since if I word it incorrectly I could give away more information than I intend to. But on the other hand as it is the sentence feels unfinished.
Yep, a typo. Good catch, thanks bud.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: mavikfelna on October 06, 2009, 04:29:10 PM
--Mav
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 06, 2009, 06:31:23 PM
Quote from: "mavikfelna"
If the disappearing captain is a time traveler as appears intended, the sentence is correct and fine.
--Mav
Mav, thanks for the heads up. And yeah, he makes an appearence later in the saga, in book three to be exact.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ZimRathbone on October 07, 2009, 06:29:07 AM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Quote from: "ZimRathbone""When he finished his search he had an ephinay and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working."
Do you mean "epiphany" ie an illuminating discovery or realisation, or the Coming of the Magi?
Unless of course this is another of the words like "color" or "labor" that seperate American English from the Queens English?
I would be tempted to use a much simpler word like "idea" or "thought", especially given the situation that the Gunny is in at the moment - its a matter of personal taste but for me "epiphany" has flavours of contemplation, reflection & working at a problem over time, and is usually more to do with an understanding of how the world works, or of ones own personal nature rather than the sort of immediate lightbulb incident you are describing - I don't think its quite appropiate for where the story is at this time.
Lol, it was meant to be 'illuminating discovery'. And I can see your point. Will change to he had a sudden thought. Good catch. Thanks bud. :D
EDIT: Changed to the following, When he finished his search he had a sudden flash of inspiration and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working.
Let me know if this is better.
Cheers, Thor
Aye, that feels better
Post by: ShadoCat on October 07, 2009, 01:16:40 PM
That last sentence has a problem. Too many "and"s for one. Also, the last phrase should probably be in it's own sentence (or majorly reworked.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 07, 2009, 02:07:26 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
"When the Anglo-American Defense Pact forces had introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for the AADP alliance changed, from one of defense to one of offense. The AADP forces had cleared out North America and Japan, and had begun its buildup in the effort to bring the war to China proper, and he was in the stasis chamber, that he assumed the nukes flew."
That last sentence has a problem. Too many "and"s for one. Also, the last phrase should probably be in it's own sentence (or majorly reworked.
ShadoCat, you are correct. I will rework that whole paragraph. Thanks for the input bud. :D
Cheers, Thor
Post by: mavikfelna on October 07, 2009, 02:36:38 PM
Quote
And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber. It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.{/quote]
I would change it to:
It was during this buildup that he was put into the stasis chamber. He assumed it was then that the nukes had flown.
I think that flows a little better.
--Mav
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 07, 2009, 03:01:57 PM
Quote from: "mavikfelna"
QuoteAnd it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber. It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.{/quote]
I would change it to:
It was during this buildup that he was put into the stasis chamber. He assumed it was then that the nukes had flown.
I think that flows a little better.
--Mav
Mav, good suggestion! I will change it to that. Thanks bud.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 07, 2009, 05:35:13 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
EDIT: Reworked the paragraph to as follows;
When the Anglo-American Defense Pact introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for their forces changed from one of defense to one of offense.
This should have a comma: "British Columbian-Alaskan front, the whole"
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
With the new Powered Armor the AADP went on the offensive, an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops.
I think: "With the new Powered Armor, the AADP went on the offensive; an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops."
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
As the offensive was ongoing the Alliance began the buildup to bring the war to China proper. And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber.
Comma again: "As the offensive was ongoing, the Alliance...
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.
May be better: "It was then, he assumed, that the nukes had flown." This one is a personal preference thing.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 07, 2009, 06:02:55 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"EDIT: Reworked the paragraph to as follows;
When the Anglo-American Defense Pact introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for their forces changed from one of defense to one of offense.
This should have a comma: "British Columbian-Alaskan front, the whole"Quote from: "Þórgrímr"With the new Powered Armor the AADP went on the offensive, an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops.
I think: "With the new Powered Armor, the AADP went on the offensive; an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops."Quote from: "Þórgrímr"As the offensive was ongoing the Alliance began the buildup to bring the war to China proper. And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber.
Comma again: "As the offensive was ongoing, the Alliance...Quote from: "Þórgrímr"It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.
May be better: "It was then, he assumed, that the nukes had flown." This one is a personal preference thing.
Yeah, my mechanics are kinda weak at times. I get lazy! :D
EDIT: Changes made, as per suggestions.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 07, 2009, 06:30:30 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.
May be better: "It was then, he assumed, that the nukes had flown." This one is a personal preference thing.[/quote]
Yeah, my mechanics are kinda weak at times. I get lazy! :D The last one was changed to Mav's suggestion. You may wish to look at it again. Thanks for the input. :D
EDIT: Changes made, as per suggestions.[/quote]
Yeah, Mav's is better. I tend to be a bit comma heavy.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 07, 2009, 07:12:34 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Yeah, Mav's is better. I tend to be a bit comma heavy.
Yep. It was a great suggestion. All of the input recieved has been outstanding! And I truly appreciate it since it will help produce an outstanding set of stories.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 09, 2009, 05:09:33 PM
“One thing you’re overlooking Gunny.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m still alive and kicking!” And did his best to put a smeg eating grin on his face.
“Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. Must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone you ever cared for is gone or destroyed!”
With that the Gunny nearly broke down again, but retained his composure in front of Jason. In his mind though, he saw his wife’s lovely face and heard the gurgling laugh of his son. In his heart he felt the wrenching pain of the loss of his wife and son.
The "Damn Mayo..." line has me confused. It's Gunny talking right? But Gunny is the one who just woke up.
Note: I'd format this better but BBCodes seem to be off for me.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 09, 2009, 08:35:13 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
In this exchange:
“One thing you’re overlooking Gunny.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m still alive and kicking!” And did his best to put a smeg eating grin on his face.
“Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. Must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone you ever cared for is gone or destroyed!”
With that the Gunny nearly broke down again, but retained his composure in front of Jason. In his mind though, he saw his wife’s lovely face and heard the gurgling laugh of his son. In his heart he felt the wrenching pain of the loss of his wife and son.
The "Damn Mayo..." line has me confused. It's Gunny talking right? But Gunny is the one who just woke up.
Note: I'd format this better but BBCodes seem to be off for me.
it means as in waking up from stasis sleep. not getting out of bed.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 11, 2009, 12:32:09 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
it means as in waking up from stasis sleep. not getting out of bed. :D
Huh.
It looks like I read that totally wrong. I just didn't read the "It must be the shock" line as referring to the speaker.
I don't know if that was a disconnect in my brain or in the writing.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 11, 2009, 06:40:23 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Huh.
It looks like I read that totally wrong. I just didn't read the "It must be the shock" line as referring to the speaker.
I don't know if that was a disconnect in my brain or in the writing.
Lol, np my friend. It happens to us all. But keep up the input. Every bit helps beyond measure. :D
New Sentence: “Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. It must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone I ever cared for was gone or destroyed!”
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 12, 2009, 12:13:27 AM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
New Sentence: “Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. It must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone I ever cared for was gone or destroyed!”
That is much easier on my nearly senile brain. <grin>
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 12, 2009, 01:21:33 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
That is much easier on my nearly senile brain. <grin>
Lol, np my friend. This is why commentary is a necessity IMO. Since you folks will spot things that I did not, and that allows me to improve the story!
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on October 13, 2009, 08:27:31 PM
i.e.
when Jason talks about before the war went nuclear and what not, maybe have Berenice ask or seem confused as to how that could be possible?
or
explain that 'normals' know that Jason's kind are survivors from that era
My thoughts would be that after 300 odd years of plague and pestilence and the 'long winter' of nuclear fallout that history would not remember how it started or what came immediately before.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 13, 2009, 11:15:57 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
In the chat between Jason and Berenice I think it would come across a bit better if you introduced some sense of disbelief in Berenice's responses.
i.e.
when Jason talks about before the war went nuclear and what not, maybe have Berenice ask or seem confused as to how that could be possible?
or
explain that 'normals' know that Jason's kind are survivors from that era
My thoughts would be that after 300 odd years of plague and pestilence and the 'long winter' of nuclear fallout that history would not remember how it started or what came immediately before.
Good idea. I will add a blurb on how the normals realize the Ghouls are survivors from the time before the Rain of Fire. :D
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 14, 2009, 06:32:34 AM
I thought he was a Ranger.
Post by: ShadoCat on October 14, 2009, 06:37:53 AM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
"Those son-of-a-bitchin’ scumbags! The Gunny thought with rising anger. As he watched through ‘Momma’s’ scope at the three slavers, they began to laugh while they threw the family’s meager belongings around the desert sands. All at once the Marine took over..."
I thought he was a Ranger.
Sorry, I got confused between your two story lines. Vickers, in the Roman story line is Army.
Post by: ShadoCat on October 14, 2009, 07:33:00 AM
I guess, it all comes down to what kind of environment the family was raised in. In the kind of world that you are painting, I can't see her being so credulous. Given the circumstances, I can see her being cowed enough to accept "because I said so" as an answer but to actually believe, right off the bat... ...it bugs me.
That kind of trust takes time to develop. Especially if it has to overcome the resistance of being in front of the boogie man from her childhood stories.
I can see passive acceptance on her part. Her family was just about to get murdered/raped/enslaved and the guy who saved them said that it was OK. She finds herself in a "less bad" situation now. Heck, even if he was human she would be wary of Jason. He's not the one who saved her children. In a world of slavers, monsters and ghouls, the thoughts running through her mind would revolve around "what do I need to do *right now* to keep my children safe". Everyone and everything is a threat to her children.
Gunny saved her and her children. He said that Jason wouldn't hurt them and he said to do what Jason said. That should be enough to get short term compliance that can evolve into trust.
I can understand you wanting to get back story in but I think that it was just too early for story time from Jason. I can see it happening later but not yet. Maybe, she warily does what she is told for now. After she has had a chance to see that Jason has no interest in eating her or her children, I can see her being curious.
She would be less afraid if Jason said something along the lines of "Look, if I hurt you, Gunny would kill me slow. Besides, I have plenty of food here and it's not like I'm going to be raping anyone." This assumes that Jason has to eat (he has to sleep, so safe bet) and that the immortal ghouls have no sexual function (else, there would be a lot of reproducing immortals in the world). That would address her two biggest fears.
Also, remember that while, "being a Marine" might be all you need to know to start forming an opinion about someone, most people who haven't hung out with Marines don't know what you know. Heck, I'm probably atypical of civilians because I've known enough people in the different services to have a pretty good idea about how they will react. Most people only know what they see on movies. Most current day people would react as sheeple in this situation and the Mother, in this case, had never even heard of a Marine.
If the pre-war era was a mythical paradise and she learned that Gunny was from pre-war, she might be absolutely trusting in an almost religious way. Given the proximity of the base, there might be tales about the "mythical" Marines coming to save everyone. In that case, she'd be treating him and everything he said as if Superman was saying it.
Post by: Beersatron on October 14, 2009, 07:36:43 AM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Quote from: "Beersatron"In the chat between Jason and Berenice I think it would come across a bit better if you introduced some sense of disbelief in Berenice's responses.
i.e.
when Jason talks about before the war went nuclear and what not, maybe have Berenice ask or seem confused as to how that could be possible?
or
explain that 'normals' know that Jason's kind are survivors from that era
My thoughts would be that after 300 odd years of plague and pestilence and the 'long winter' of nuclear fallout that history would not remember how it started or what came immediately before.
Good idea. I will add a blurb on how the normals realize the Ghouls are survivors from the time before the Rain of Fire. :D
EDIT: New paragraph. “Why did he shoot your helper?” She asked with increasing interest. Berenice found herself enraptured and could not help it. She was being drawn in by the tale this Ghoul was spinning, since most knowledge from the world before the Rain of Fire had been lost over the centuries. Folks knew the Ghouls, or Grandfathers as the tribes called them, were survivors from that time of long ago. Yet they were shunned by normal human society, even though the Ghouls represented a font of information that could help society recover.
Does this help with the belivability you were getting at? :D
Cheers, Thor
I think it does help, gives an insight into the nature of the Ghouls and helps explain why Berenice isn't automatically rejecting what Jason is saying even though she probably doesn't know what some of the words mean.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 14, 2009, 01:31:40 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
I also, have difficulty with the conversation between Jason and the family.
I guess, it all comes down to what kind of environment the family was raised in. In the kind of world that you are painting, I can't see her being so credulous. Given the circumstances, I can see her being cowed enough to accept "because I said so" as an answer but to actually believe, right off the bat... ...it bugs me.
That kind of trust takes time to develop. Especially if it has to overcome the resistance of being in front of the boogie man from her childhood stories.
I can see passive acceptance on her part. Her family was just about to get murdered/raped/enslaved and the guy who saved them said that it was OK. She finds herself in a "less bad" situation now. Heck, even if he was human she would be wary of Jason. He's not the one who saved her children. In a world of slavers, monsters and ghouls, the thoughts running through her mind would revolve around "what do I need to do *right now* to keep my children safe". Everyone and everything is a threat to her children.
Gunny saved her and her children. He said that Jason wouldn't hurt them and he said to do what Jason said. That should be enough to get short term compliance that can evolve into trust.
I can understand you wanting to get back story in but I think that it was just too early for story time from Jason. I can see it happening later but not yet. Maybe, she warily does what she is told for now. After she has had a chance to see that Jason has no interest in eating her or her children, I can see her being curious.
She would be less afraid if Jason said something along the lines of "Look, if I hurt you, Gunny would kill me slow. Besides, I have plenty of food here and it's not like I'm going to be raping anyone." This assumes that Jason has to eat (he has to sleep, so safe bet) and that the immortal ghouls have no sexual function (else, there would be a lot of reproducing immortals in the world). That would address her two biggest fears.
Also, remember that while, "being a Marine" might be all you need to know to start forming an opinion about someone, most people who haven't hung out with Marines don't know what you know. Heck, I'm probably atypical of civilians because I've known enough people in the different services to have a pretty good idea about how they will react. Most people only know what they see on movies. Most current day people would react as sheeple in this situation and the Mother, in this case, had never even heard of a Marine.
If the pre-war era was a mythical paradise and she learned that Gunny was from pre-war, she might be absolutely trusting in an almost religious way. Given the proximity of the base, there might be tales about the "mythical" Marines coming to save everyone. In that case, she'd be treating him and everything he said as if Superman was saying it.
First off, who said she was believing what he says? :D
Vickers is an Air Force General, actually. :D
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 14, 2009, 04:46:15 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
First off, who said she was believing what he says? :wink:
Beersatron hit on a good point as to why she is fascinated by what Jason is saying. It is more a fascination with the story, and not so much belivability. Think of it this way, we read and listen to stories with rapt attention, but that does not mean we believe it to be true.
One of the major reasons she is listening so passionately is for the same reason folks fall in love with their saviors. I cannot remember what it is called, but it involves some sort of emotional transference. So any information she can get on him she will listen to with intensity. :D
I think that you need to show this. Does she listen with rapt attention but keep her kids behind her? Maybe give her a few "tells" to show that she's nervous.
Also, I didn't see anything to show that she was feeling that way toward Gunny.
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Vickers is an Air Force General, actually. :D
Then who the heck is an Army Ranger? Is it Gunny? If so, you have to do a search and replace on that last segment since you use Marine throughout.
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
@ Beersatron, yup, she does not know what most of what he said means, but just listening to the story is fascinating to her.
Maybe have the conversation interspersed with an activity. Thus, have it while walking her to her quarters and/or showing her the base mess. It might give more opportunity to show reactions. Also remember that Jason's gotta be a bit nervous about her too.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 14, 2009, 06:57:58 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
I think that you need to show this. Does she listen with rapt attention but keep her kids behind her? Maybe give her a few "tells" to show that she's nervous.
Also, I didn't see anything to show that she was feeling that way toward Gunny.
Then who the heck is an Army Ranger? Is it Gunny? If so, you have to do a search and replace on that last segment since you use Marine throughout.
Maybe have the conversation interspersed with an activity. Thus, have it while walking her to her quarters and/or showing her the base mess. It might give more opportunity to show reactions. Also remember that Jason's gotta be a bit nervous about her too.
Umm, you do realize Vickers is in the other story, right? :?
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 15, 2009, 02:16:30 AM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Umm, you do realize Vickers is in the other story, right? :? So far the only main Ranger character introed has been Colonel Farrand. And I am quite sure I never called either Vickers or Farrand a Marine. So I am at a loss as to where you got that idea from. :?
Having gone back and reread the beginning and seeing that Gunny was a Marine throughout... ...I have no flipping clue. Maybe I am remembering Farrand.
Yes, I did actually remember that Vickers was in the other time line. As for the rest....
It's not what you don't know that's the problem, it's what you know that just isn't so that gets you into trouble.
Post by: Beersatron on October 15, 2009, 01:22:28 PM
Just wondering if calling it a hotel is in keeping with the atmosphere of a seedy town built on the remains of an old devastated town?
I know that the Gunny would call it a hotel but he didn't say 'bar' or 'pub' when asking for a place to go for a drink so holding to that train of thought maybe he should be looking for a 'room in an Inn' although that sounds wrong/cheesy too.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 15, 2009, 01:23:38 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Having gone back and reread the beginning and seeing that Gunny was a Marine throughout... ...I have no flipping clue. Maybe I am remembering Farrand.
Yes, I did actually remember that Vickers was in the other time line. As for the rest....
It's not what you don't know that's the problem, it's what you know that just isn't so that gets you into trouble.
NP my friend. It happens to us all at one time or another.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 15, 2009, 01:59:42 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
"As they went to a hotel for the night, ...."
Just wondering if calling it a hotel is in keeping with the atmosphere of a seedy town built on the remains of an old devastated town?
I know that the Gunny would call it a hotel but he didn't say 'bar' or 'pub' when asking for a place to go for a drink so holding to that train of thought maybe he should be looking for a 'room in an Inn' although that sounds wrong/cheesy too.
Good point, will change it.
EDIT: New sentence. “Ok. We had best get going. Too many people are getting interested in my affairs,” the Gunny said. As they went to a seedy, dilapidated building that passed for a hotel the Gunny had begun to realize just how dangerous the wastelands really are, and not just from things that go bump in the night.
Is this better?
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on October 15, 2009, 03:09:40 PM
"As they neared a seedy"
Neared is a word, right? :)
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 15, 2009, 03:42:15 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
What about:
"As they neared a seedy"
Neared is a word, right? :D
EDIT: did a wee biit more than that. New sentence: “Ok. We had best get going. Too many people are getting interested in my affairs,” the Gunny said. As they drew close to the seedy, dilapidated building that passed for a hotel in this town the Gunny had begun to realize just how dangerous the wastelands really are, and not just from things that go bump in the night.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on October 15, 2009, 04:17:15 PM
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 15, 2009, 04:41:56 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
we have a winner :D
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on October 15, 2009, 10:28:19 PM
Would it sound better with:
"The greedy cold grasp of the desert hardpan was already sapping his body’s warmth. Alas, if he could not get up this would be his death warrant."
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 16, 2009, 02:06:54 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
Would it sound better with:
"The greedy cold grasp of the desert hardpan was already sapping his body’s warmth. Alas, if he could not get up this would be his death warrant."
Yep, and changed.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on October 16, 2009, 07:45:30 PM
I don't think that anything prevents a ghoul from being embarrassed. Also, "red" shouldn't be repeated, I think.
Maybe something like:
"If a ghoul's face could flush, Jason would have been beet red from embarrassment."
I'm not entirely happy with what I came up with but I think that it is along the right lines.
Post by: ShadoCat on October 16, 2009, 07:51:02 PM
"I think is going to be our talker, since he claims that he has the ‘gift of gab’.”
Maybe: "I think he's...."
Post by: ShadoCat on October 16, 2009, 07:52:27 PM
"With the introductions disposed of the Gunny took the new guys"
Maybe get rid of the "the" before Gunny? I guess it depends on if you are using it as a title or a nickname.
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 16, 2009, 08:16:14 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
MFD:
"With the introductions disposed of the Gunny took the new guys"
Maybe get rid of the "the" before Gunny? I guess it depends on if you are using it as a title or a nickname.
This is another one of those sentences that gives me grief. But I think I can take out the extra the.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 16, 2009, 09:58:06 PM
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Talking about Jeff Sutton:
"I think is going to be our talker, since he claims that he has the ‘gift of gab’.”
Maybe: "I think he's...."
Thanks for the spot. One o them pesky typos.
EDIT: New sentences. These should cover your two posts my friend. If a Ghoul could become red-faced with embarrassment Jason would have been beet red by now and stammered,
I think he's going to be our front man. He claims that he has the ‘gift of gab’.” He said looking from Jason back to Jeff.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Þórgrímr on October 21, 2009, 11:51:03 PM
This test will be a simple game. The test will start January 1830, and is scheduled to run until 1918. This test will allow us to test the Diplomatic, Espionage, Supply, and a whole host of other rules. :D
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on November 23, 2009, 11:46:15 AM
I am re-reading the David Weber Starfire books atm, and although they are very good - I kind of know what is going to happen! heh :)
Post by: Þórgrímr on November 28, 2009, 06:00:44 PM
Quote from: "Beersatron"
Have you had the chance to write some more on the gunny or roman stories?
I am re-reading the David Weber Starfire books atm, and although they are very good - I kind of know what is going to happen! heh :evil:
I will try to get something done in the next few days.
Cheers, Thor
Post by: ShadoCat on November 29, 2009, 10:33:03 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
I am sorry, but no. I spent the last two weeks in the hospital. Had another bout of Bi-Lat PE troubles again. These damned doctors seem to be having trouble getting the dosage of warfarin I need to keep it from happening. :D
The important thing is that you get better.
Write more when you enjoy writing more (aside from making for a better life, it makes for better writing).
Post by: myronicus on November 30, 2009, 10:24:59 PM
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Quote from: "Beersatron"Have you had the chance to write some more on the gunny or roman stories?Be careful that you keep a consistent diet, if you fluctuate your levels of green leafy vegtables(salad's) it can screw up your clotting times(I am a pharmacist). If you stop salads when you had them before your blood will over thin, and if you increase it will get too thick(green leafy's have vitamin K in it).
I am re-reading the David Weber Starfire books atm, and although they are very good - I kind of know what is going to happen! heh :evil:
I will try to get something done in the next few days.
Cheers, Thor
Myronicus
Post by: Þórgrímr on December 04, 2009, 01:50:46 PM
Quote from: "myronicus"
Be careful that you keep a consistent diet, if you fluctuate your levels of green leafy vegtables(salad's) it can screw up your clotting times(I am a pharmacist). If you stop salads when you had them before your blood will over thin, and if you increase it will get too thick(green leafy's have vitamin K in it).
Myronicus
Myronicus, Thanks for the tip. And I think that may be part of the problem. My intake of greens is spotty at best. :evil: :(
Cheers, Thor
Post by: Beersatron on December 04, 2009, 06:42:45 PM