Aurora 4x
Off Topic => Off Topic => Topic started by: Erik L on September 17, 2011, 10:52:02 PM
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Q - Why are days long?
A - Because 86400 won't fit into a short.
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Two atoms walk into a bar
One suddenly says, "Oh my God, I think I have lost an electron"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "I'm positive!"
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...
you want a challenge.
a challenge you shall have.
two neutrons walk into a bar and order a drink.
after drinking they wish to pay, but the bartended refuses and says:
"for you my friends no charge"
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Professor Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".
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XD.
heisenberg indetermination law right?
i'll go classic.
there are 10 types of people in the world.
those who understand binary and those who don't.
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Took me a while to get that one :P
Slight variation of yours:
There are 3 types of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those we can't.
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A bear walks around when he encounter a river. Fairly confident in his swimming abilities, he jumps in, but imemdiately dissolves. Why?
It was a polar bear.
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There's a fairly ordinary house: Four closed walls, a roof, the works. Nothing abnormal.
All of the walls point south.
A bear walks by - what's the colour of the bear and why?
Solution:
The bear's white. The house is standing on the north pole.
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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician agree to take part in an experiment. Each person is locked in a room with nothing but a single can of beans.
After three days the researchers open each door in turn. In the first room they find the physicist happily scrawling equations across a wall, and the can of beans is neatly popped open. They ask him how he opened the can and he says "Oh I applied pressure to the stress points".
They take their notes and move on to the next room, where the engineer is snoring in a corner. The can is lying beside him, a smashed pile of metal. They wake him and ask him how he opened the can, to which he replies "I battered it to it's failure point.
Finally, they open the third door. There they find the mathematician holding the can, rocking back and forth, and muttering, "Assume the can is open. Assume the can is open."
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How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Steve
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One:
a physicist, a philosopher, and a mathematician are on a train bound for Omaha.
As they pass the nebraska state line, the physicist looks out the window and says "wow...Nebraska has brown cows"
the philosopher says "you still don't know that. All you know is that there is at least one cow in nebraska, and it is brown."
the mathematician says "at least one side of the cow is brown..."
Two:
An economist washes up on a desert island. After walking some distance, he happens upon a cannibal selling brains. The sign above the cannibal's brain-shack reads:
- Lawyer brains: 5$ per pound
- Doctor brains: 15$ per pound
- Economist Brains: 150$ per pound
The economist walks up and makes conversation, he can't help but show off.
"I'm an economist" he says, "and I theorize that your economist brains are so expensive because they are so highly demanded."
"well there's that." the cannibal concedes, "but do you have any idea how hard it is to get a pound of economist brains?"
Three:
During a flight, a stewardess walks up to Rene Descartes and asks, "Would you like something to drink?" the French philosopher answers, "I think not." And he disappears.
Four...i always use this when I teach dimensional analysis or certain forms of logic:
A metrics expert is sitting alone at a cafe when a waitress walks up to him.
"Can I take your order?" she asks.
"Yes," says the metrics expert, "I would like 22 grams of eggs and .202 liters of coffee with 2.5 grams of sugar and no cream."
a little while later the waitress returns.
"I'm sorry," she says, "we're all out of cream. Would you prefer to have no milk instead?"
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oh yeah, my favorite:
Saint Anselm of Canterbury goes on a date with Hildegarde of Bingen. He tries to make small talk:
"so," he says, "do you like this steak?"
"not really," Hildegarde confesses.
"that's too bad" anselm replies, then reaches for something else: "do you have any family members?"
"not really," Hildegarde confesses.
"that's too bad,"anselm replies..."do they like steak?"
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One:
a physicist, a philosopher, and a mathematician are on a train bound for Omaha.
As they pass the nebraska state line, the physicist looks out the window and says "wow...Nebraska has brown cows"
the philosopher says "you still don't know that. All you know is that there is at least one cow in nebraska, and it is brown."
the mathematician says "at least one side of the cow is brown..."
Being from Nebraska... Going to get a bit pedantic here ;)
Heading west to Nebraska, as soon as you cross the border, you are in Omaha. Headed east into Nebraska, you cross the border into desert. Might get some heading north or south... But that'd be about the only way ;)
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I'm from nebraska too. Think there's any chance we know each other?
I don't specify rail directions. most rails in Omaha enter the city directly from the east, in which case, you're right, as Omaha proper is already right there, but after that they curve to the north. If you were coming into omaha from chicago, I think you'd come in from the north.
EDIT: I actually went and checked this...he's right, there are no rails in nebraska that come in from any direction except east-west, in which case you wouldn't see many cows going either way. The rail line I was thinking of does come in from the north, but it follows the river on the Iowa side. Maybe they got lucky and saw a few outside of scottsbluff.
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i love telling chemistry jokes.
i get periodical reactions.
*badum tshatsha*
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EDIT: I actually went and checked this...he's right, there are no rails in nebraska that come in from any direction except east-west, in which case you wouldn't see many cows going either way. The rail line I was thinking of does come in from the north, but it follows the river on the Iowa side. Maybe they got lucky and saw a few outside of scottsbluff.
Been a while for me, but don't the tracks from the east come into Ne in South Omaha near the stockyards? In that case they'd see cows. Lots of cows. Well, depending on time period.
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Yeesh, why don't we just take these science puns and barium.
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A lawyer and a girl are sitting on a plane together. The lawyer asked the girl if she would want to play a game of knowledge, where if she couldn't answer one of the lawyers questions, she would have to give him five dollars, but if he couldn't answer one of her questions, he would have to give her a hundred dollars. So, the lawyer goes first, and asks" What is the distance between Earth and Mars?" The girl shrugs, and gives the lawyer five dollars. Then, she asks "What does an elephant, a ruler, and a cowboy have in common?" The lawyer thinks long and hard for five minutes, and makes several phone calls asking his friends for the answer. Finally, he gives up and gives the girl a hundred dollars. He then asks "What was the answer to your question". The girl looks blankly at him, and gives him another five dollars.
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it seems people hate quite a lot lawyers around here...or it's a scientific thing that lawyers have no brains? U_U
why did Werner Heisenberg hate driving cars?
Because, every time he looked at the speedometer he got lost!
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Two:
An economist washes up on a desert island. After walking some distance, he happens upon a cannibal selling brains. The sign above the cannibal's brain-shack reads:
- Lawyer brains: 5$ per pound
- Doctor brains: 15$ per pound
- Economist Brains: 150$ per pound
The economist walks up and makes conversation, he can't help but show off.
"I'm an economist" he says, "and I theorize that your economist brains are so expensive because they are so highly demanded."
"well there's that." the cannibal concedes, "but do you have any idea how hard it is to get a pound of economist brains?"
my joke, at least, would seem to imply that there supply of lawyer brains is greater than the supply of doctor brains or economist brains.
...or it could mean that they are in extremely low demand.
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I first heard that joke as being about a brain transplant. Frankly I think the cannibal thing makes more sense.
Einstein walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I'll have your best German beer". Sagan walks in, sees Einstein with his beer, and asks the bartender for a glass of some wine, a nice Merlot if he has one. Then a lawyer shows up in a nightgown and says, "When I woke up, my pillow was gone!" The bartender says, "Buddy, you woke up in the wrong joke."
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A joke I saw on another forum:
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
It made me lol
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I'm from nebraska too. Think there's any chance we know each other?
I don't specify rail directions. most rails in Omaha enter the city directly from the east, in which case, you're right, as Omaha proper is already right there, but after that they curve to the north. If you were coming into omaha from chicago, I think you'd come in from the north.
EDIT: I actually went and checked this...he's right, there are no rails in nebraska that come in from any direction except east-west, in which case you wouldn't see many cows going either way. The rail line I was thinking of does come in from the north, but it follows the river on the Iowa side. Maybe they got lucky and saw a few outside of scottsbluff.
Not exactly correct. It is true that there are none in the national level rail network that connect south to Kansas, there is one that connect north into South Dokota. And there are several lesser raillines that connect south to Kansas. http://www.deskmap.com/images/rr_nebraskakansas.gif (http://www.deskmap.com/images/rr_nebraskakansas.gif)
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I didn't understood the one about St Anselm. Does it have to with that stupid argument of his for the existence of God?
Anyway, here is one :
A sinus and an exponential escape from civil war and immigrate to Cosinusland. After a few month, sinus is doing great, but exponential is living on the streets. When they meet again, sinus say "But why don't you integrate?" "I try, but it doesn't change anything!"
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1:
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
2:
Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?" A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other . . . oh . . . wait . . .
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Heard this one at a training course at our nuclear plant
Q: What do you do when you are on-site , at Unit 1 and you hear the two-tone alarm ( alarm at the other unit)
A (from one of my very bright colleagues): You laugh at the guys from Unit 2 cause they have a problem and we don't!
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Artificial light is made of fauxtons. :D
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Artificial light is made of fauxtons. :D
LOL!