Aurora 4x
Fiction => Ardem's Fiction => Aurora => Clan Benkei => Topic started by: ardem on December 19, 2010, 08:41:24 PM
-
Individual lines, sentences, plots how would of you provided the information for it to be better?
All suggestions are welcomed.
Learnings
- Tense for the narrator must be the same throughout the story http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_to_use_was_vs_were
- "Source Action Object", for an active voice, rarely use the passive voice. http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/passivevoice.html
-
Yuki Yoshirou stood at the door to his grandmother’s residence. The residence was on the outskirts of a major port colony known as New Osaka. To Yoshi, New Osaka was home, he was born here, he went to school here, stolen his first kiss from behind the temple building here and more than likely will die somewhere else. Such is the way with Fleet Officers.
Yoshi brought his thoughts back to reality and pressed the intercom button. A fragile old voice answered through the speaker, inquiring who was at the door. “Hello sobo, it is yoshi, I have come to see mother” although English is predominantly the universal language spoken by all, the use of some old Japanese traits have [had] lived on, like referring to ones grandmother as sobo.
“Oh Yoshirou, come in, come in” the buzzer at the door acknowledged that he could push on the door. A smile was brought to Yoshi face was brought is an odd tense and clumsy and it is Yoshi's face - 's, something like .. Yoshi smiled, his , his grandmother hasd always as far as he could remember pronounced his full name, although he much prefersred being referred to as Yoshi.
Yoshi pushed on the door and entered into entered and into mean the samethe tiny abode, he followed the typical protocol of removing his shoes and putting on some indoor slippers. He slowly walked down the corridor to a room at the back of the abode where his grandmother and mother would be gathered.
His mother was a striking woman, even in her early 50’s her skin was taut and her beauty still held much of its former glory, her hair was never ruffled and her clothes were always pressed and neat. But today he would not expect his normal greeting of cheerful smiles and warm hugs. There was sadness in this room, actually not just this room but all rooms across New Osaka will be tear soaked.
“Is it true, Yoshi”, her eyes were a mixture of fear, hope and sadness.
“Yes Mother, I have just come from Fleet HQ, the jump gate back to Earth does not work, they have send Jump probes back to the Earth system but within microseconds the probes are destroyed or malfunction and do not report any meaningful data.”
“Nobody knows what is going on?”
Her eyes expanded, liking to like a possum at night ”What of Takuma and Osamu?”, her nails involuntary gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting in, she then watched the pain in her sons face as he looked for the words to answer her with.
Takuma and Osamu are were, are is present tense - I thinkhis younger brothers, Takuma was the youngest and mothers favourite although she never said so, she had always smothered him with love and affection. Even from a young age Takuma lived up to his namesake, a true pioneer. He would escape mother’s clutches and run out into the woods and seek adventure. As he got older, instead of day trips they became overnight, then weekly, much to mother’s fretting.
Osuma was the black sheep of the family, he had always been stubborn and was determined to lead his own destiny, he clashed with mother often. Mother often referred to Osuma as father’s mirror and many respects Osuma took the abuse that was often meant for father. Father of course could not take the abuse directly, because he had been with our this makes the story/narrator into a person, the ancestors now for over 15 years.
Yoshi bowed his head, understanding that he must reassure her, give her hope and perhaps believe some of that hope himself. “Look Mother, Osuma as you know has been living at the academy for the last two years and still not been assigned off planet.” Yoshi then proceed with a more gentler tone, “as for Takuma he was flying escort for a trade delegation to Eurlia, he was scheduled to be there a week before returning, all indications he had left the Earth system before whatever happened, and there is no indication that whatever has happened has spread outside that system.”
Her lips began to tremble as she was about to speak Yoshi cut in, “Look Mother, everything will be ok, I have to leave and head back to Fleet, if we are to figure out what is going on, they are going to need every officer.”
Her back stiffened as she regained her self control, she brushed some imaginary dust from the fabric of her skirt and rose to wish her son the best of travels, for she did not know how long before she would see him again.
Yoshi hugged his mother, their embrace was warm but stayed not sure what this means, stayed, strained perhaps? the context implies not quite as normal, he then turned to his grandmother with a tight lipped smile he mouthed the words “Please look after her”, with that he about faced and walked towards the front door.
.......................
You introduce Yoshi but fail to give him a problem and 'tell' all the way through. You need to 'show'. You've used the characters to hang the backstory on and little else. Conflict drives a scene, what if Yoshi wants to minimise the failed jumpgate and dismiss his mothers concerns to keep her from worrying while she is desperate to know everything. That way you can let the reader know about his 2 brothers potentially lost out in other systems, and let us know something about Yoshi.
You use the words - as you know, in dialogue. This is a bad thing to do, if she knows that then why is he telling her, it's simply you the writer telling the reader information.
Imagine if after her question "Is it true?"
Yoshi answers, "Mother, I've told you before, my work is classified, I'm not allowed to discuss it.."
then imagine how the two can have an argument, gradually revealling all the information to the reader.
Anyway, if you are still speaking to me, I'll read on and comment some more tomorrow when I have more time.
-
One thing any writing instructor will tell you is to avoid the passive voice. Use action verbs. "He is shooting the bad guys" - Passive. "He shot at the bad guys." - Active.
You might put the story in Word first. MS Word has a grammar checker. I'm not sure about Open Office. That will also catch any spelling errors of common words.
-
Very much appreciated MattyD, I will try and take note of the passive voice. Actually I do have it in Word otherwise the grammar would of been a lot worse hahahaha.
Anything that is green has already been fixed.
Most the other correction I understand what i have done wrong, but I have a question I do not understand
our this makes the story/narrator into a person, the
stayed not sure what this means, stayed, strained perhaps? the context implies not quite as normal
Stayed is similar to 'reserved' but not quite, but this might be australian/english colloquialism, I need to check.
Edit checked: Well it is actually written both ways stayed (webster dictionary) or staid (oxford) http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/staid, so it is an actual word and correct in it meaning I might change it to staid as I prefer the oxford dictionary over the others.
Thanks again I will try and learn these lesson although past and present tense may still be an issue for me, and good reading material about this I be interested to look at.
-
Another quick question MattyD if I may, you wrote
are were, are is present tense - I think
I am concerned that by using the word were it implies that the brothers are dead. By using were does that suggest that in your mind? Admittedly as you read on you can see that they are not.
-
I found this on the passive voice, I am hoping I now know what to look for here.
http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/passivevoice.html
-
Another quick question Erik if I may, you wrote
are were, are is present tense - I think
I am concerned that by using the word were it implies that the brothers are dead. By using were does that suggest that in your mind? Admittedly as you read on you can see that they are not.
That was Matty actually.
You should pick one tense for your non-dialog sections, either present or past. You shouldn't mix them in the narrative. That being said, you can have the sentence "I am going to the store," he said.
Things happening in dialog would be done in the tense from the character's viewpoint. If the character is referring to something in his past, obviously it's past tense; and so on.
-
Your right not sure how I missed that sorry MattyD, changed the text to reflect that.
-
Your right not sure how I missed that sorry MattyD, changed the text to reflect that.
Technically that would be "you're" not "your" lol
-
hahaha Erik, it takes 100% concentration when I write the story and editing, what hope do I have when I type a post where I use only about 15% concentration and no editing, I think lets keep my grammar posts to the story, otherwise you will not find any rest if you start on my posts <smile>.
-
First off, if English is your second language, you did a very good job.
Most of the errors the I found may be attributed to distractions while typing.
Many of the buildings of old japan was brought and reassembled brick by brick even the garden layouts were identical.
was/were - Since the subject, buildings, is plural, the verb should be as well.
Yoshi stops and inspect these two wooden doors, the same doors that would of seen entry to many of the
would of / would have - it is sometimes spoken the way you wrote it but never written unless you are trying to show someone's accent.
all those long years ago it was at Kure District Naval Headquarters.
A bit awkward. maybe add "when" between ago and it.
After a short wait, the administrative assistant lieutenant inform the CiC of his arrival.
inform should be informs or informed.
strange that all ranks below a command rank are westernise
westernise / westernized
He did always like the old ways
did always / always did
Lastly his eyes settle on the woman sitting behind the rather oversize oak desk
oversize / over sized
someone that they may of entered
Try: someone so that they may have thought they entered
“ I need to know my commanders, can handle this and will not make it uncomfortable with political pressure if they have the means or heaven forbids, public disclosure.”
This needs reworking. I don't think I know what you are trying to say here. (note the irony of quoting the quote marks :) )
-
I wish English was my second language, unfortunately god granted me a head that understands machine code and point form documentation, far great then the ebb and flow of language and grammar.
But I am trying to improve, if only I listened in English class.
I unfortunately, am known as the 'lost child of the electronic age', although see late generation X not generation Y.
Thanks for your comments, I will make these improvements
-
First off, if English is your second language, you did a very good job.
Most of the errors the I found may be attributed to distractions while typing.
was/were - Since the subject, buildings, is plural, the verb should be as well.
Thank you for this, I did a little more looking into this, I will make sure to make a note of this in future.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_to_use_was_vs_were (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/When_to_use_was_vs_were)
-
Not a native english speaker, but I´ll give Post 2 a try anyway, not going by rules (as I realy don´t know a lot of them) but more of about how it sounds
:)
Osuma’s hand grasped the bottom of the envelope as the other pulled the ‘Please Tear Here’ dotted seal, the envelope opened with a satisfying rip. The
envelope is stamped with the standard Fleet insignia’s and warnings, which goes with any official correspondence. Paper orders could only mean one thing
to the recipient, a commission.
grasped sounds strange to me. I would associate grasp more with understanding, "Osuma´s hand held the bottom..." would sound better IMO
Also, you use grasped (past) and opended (also past) but then switch to present with "is stamped", should probably be "was stamped"
All orders these days were transferred to digital pads or portable arm devices, via various types of communication software, each with its own purpose,
security and urgency. Commission orders were the last of the Mail Delivered Order, normally delivered by a junior officer. The paper order could be
retained as keepsake in a family album or mounted on a wall.
Mail Delivered Order sounds odd, should this be "Mail Delivery Order"?
Osuma had studied well, gained top marks in his class, excelled in Crew Motivation, Communications and Tactics as well as completing a small technical
course in Terra Manipulation. He kissed a few dislikeable senior butts, and made sure he said the appropriate things at the appropriate times.
dislikeable doesn´t sound so good, but unlikable is the only other expression I can think of and I´m not sure that sounds better. Perhaps someone else
can jump in?
“I am a damn taxi driver”
I would probably use "I´m", instead of "I am". I am sounds too formal for a guy thinking about himself
Osuma sighed, it could be worse, I could have no assignment. Three years had passed since officer graduation, and most of his fellow classmates have not
been given an assignment. With only sixteen ships in the fleet, posting were rare, and commissions were only others dreams.
postings (plural) would probably be a better fit.
What truly had stung Osuma’s pride was the fact his younger brother had been given an assignment before him and on a Fleet gunboat. But then again, where
is his brother is now?
"What truly had hurt Osuma´s pride" sounds better, I think.
Two weeks and three days, trapped in a tiny holding cell, with five other people. The cell was designed to support one person.
I´d phrase it like this: "Two weeks and three days trapped with five other people in a tiny holding cell, designed to support only one person.
Tukama was tired of counting, the scratches marked into the bench,
Again, I would turn it around to: ...the marks scratched into the bench,...
Sleeping or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds without people, he would never again take for granted.
I think the second "without" should read "with" or "with other"
The Chimera and trade delegation’s civilian vessel docking at the Military orbital station, had gone smoothly.
For the Chimera, the trade delegation´s civilian vessel....
or
For the Chimera and the trade delegation´s civilian vessel...
The orbital station was not located around Eurlia, but one of the four moons.
but on/at one of the four moons
The communications with the Eurlians, was standard procedure was no hint of deception. After the ship was secured, Tukama met the trade delegation, and
together they march down the docking bridge towards the reception area. A gathering of civilian and senior military personnel, and the official honour
guard were waiting to greet the delegation.
was standard procedure _with_ no hint...
or
was standard procedur and there was not hint... (the former sounds better, I think)
and together they marched (past) down...
While I don´t think there is something wrong with the last sentence (A gathering...), using "and" twice in one sentence doesn´t sound that good. I would
change it to "A gathering of civilian and senior military personnel along with the official...
No sooner had the Osakan Minister for Trade make a polite bow, did we release the honour guard was to become our armed escort. The tap of a ceremonial
sword against the boot, was the signal for the honour guard to level their guns in our direction.
No sooner had the Osakan Minister for Trade _made_ a polite bow, did _he_ release the honour guard to become our armed escort. The tap of a ceremonial
sword against the boot was the signal for _them_ to level...
The shock was instant, and even our normally quick witted security officer, could not flinch in the direction of his sidearm.
Flinch is a strange word here. I would associate flinch with moving back/away from something, not trying to reach for something.
"didn´t (manage to?) reach for his sidearm" ?
Tukama rubbed his face as he pondered, what were those words again, which seemed so inappropriate in the situation. He smiled now remembering “If you
please sir, could you follow me to your chamber”. As if the old man had any choice.
Wouldn´t use a comma here. "he pondered: What were those words again...? ending with a question mark (btw, you sure use a lot of commas :) )
“My name is Captain Willem Jord, you are the senior commanding officer, correct” the air of seriousness directed toward Tukama, squashed any hopes, that
this was some elaborate practical joke.
There needs to be a question mark after "correct", I belive
With a final look around, and a nod of reassurance to his security officer “Captain, I see we have no other choice but to do as you wish. If any member
of my crew is harmed, I will see that you are personally held responsible.”
"...to his security officer, he answerd:" or ", he responded:" or something to that effect
"...I will see _to it_ , that...
The Captain took a moment to process the meaning, and understood they were not said in a trivial sense “Very well, please give the orders for your crew
to lay down their weapons and access to board your craft.”
...were not _meant_ in a ... sounds better
Tukama snapped back to reality, it was almost time for his scheduled interrogation. The interrogation happened every day, lasted for approximately one
hour and been continuous for the last three weeks. The same questions were asked, and the same answers were given. Why did Earth cut off jump access, Is
your colony at war with us, why are our probes destroyed the moment they enter the Earth system. He followed these questions with the same answer “I do
not know”.
continuous suggests 24/7 of interrogation, not a re-occuring procedur. "and had been carried out for the last three weeks" ?
or leave the "happened every day" in the beginning of the sentence out and end with "and had been carried out every day for the last three weeks"
Tukama stroked his fingers down through his hair towards the nape of his neck, and proceeded to massage. No sooner was he given a slight level of
satisfaction, before the buzz of the cell door opened. He did not wait for the guard to call his name, instead put both his hands on knees and pushed
himself of the bench. As he stepped over a fellow inmate, he hear the cry of ‘Yuki’ from the guard, who was hovering his hand over the cell door button
ready to close the instant he made his way out.
stroked? should this be "stroke" ?
"the nape of his neck" never read that phrase, but "proceeded to massage _it_" sounds better, I think (whatever _it_ is :) )
"satisfaction" is again a strange word to use. "relaxation", perhaps?
also, "no sooner was ... than he heard the buzz of the cell door opening" Not sure this is correct either, but sounds better IMO
"hear" should be heard (past)
... ready to close _it_ the ...
Tukama made a brief walk down the various corridors, arriving at interview room where he was seated and restraints applied. The room were spartan, two
chairs facing each other, split by a small table. Tukama would often sit alone for 5 to 10 minutes before the integrator entered the room, in that time
he would practise the Art of the Praying Mantis. His eyes would pick a spot on the wall and remain perfectly still. This art concentration, gave him an
acute awareness of his surroundings and own physical condition, to the point he could hear the mutterings of conversation outside the interview room. In
reality it made passing time easier than any nefarious benefit.
...arriving at _the_ interview room...
itegrator?? probably should be interrogator
...art concentration... would ...form of concentration... be better (I´m pretty sure, the _of_ has to go in in either case (art of concentration))?
...and _his_ own physical,,,
Mr Malik slinked into the chair directly opposite Tukama, taking time to arrange his papers and adjusting a recording device.
Not aware of the word "slinked" does it come from slide?
His hands came together infront of him with fingertips touching the opposing finger, in almost a religious praying gesture.
Hm, this sounds strange. How about: "with the fingertips of both hands touching each other" ?
“Of course Mr Malik, how would you prefer the answer “ I don’t know, today” Tukama followed the line with a smile.
There seems to be something missing between "...the answer" and "I don´t know..."
“Why has your government conspired with Earth and deny access to our colony and closed the Jump Gate” and so it began.
...and denied (past) access...
Yoshi first time on the bridge as a young ensign was embarrassing.
Yoshi is missing an ´s i.e. Yoshi´s first time...
Two hours he had been holding position outside the Grav Well designated 45dx23, waiting for the all clear from the scout vessel. A high level of security
surrounded these operations, the strange naming designation, false flight plans and encrypted communiqué back to Osaka. The reason for the security was
not because of an alien threat, but from Osaka own civilian mining companies. These companies were ruthless in their pursuit on stripping the galaxy
clean, one rock at a time. Honourable conduct always came with a set of scales, and most time the profit gain tipped theses scales.
"The strange naming designation" is probably too much. Either "the stange naming" or "the strange designation" as name and designation is basicly the
same thing.
...but from Osaka´s own...
...the profit _to be gained_ tipped...
A visual representation of audio message flickered on the DEBD, from the direction of the Grav Well. Yoshirou eyes drifted across to the communication
officer, who had a finger to his ear and intently listening to the message. After a few moments the Ensigns face beamed with excitement “Shosa, the
Lucknow sends their compliments, the system is green”.
...a visual representation on _an_ audio message... (not sure how an audio message can be represented visually, though)
Yoshi understood the Ensign’s excitement, this was the first time in 40 years that the human race ventured into another system, it was a historical
moment. Admittedly the scout frigate was the first into the new system but they would never ventured far from the opposing grav well, whereas the George
would venture far into the system, even perhaps eyeball a few planets as they criss crossed looking for other paths out of the system. Future geo survey
explorations would capture the public imagination, create a tangible benefits to the civilian enterprises, but those exploration would take time,
compared to the mad dash around the outskirts of the system this ship was about to face.
from the _oposite_ grav well. opposing suggests some form of opposition (i.e. enemy)
The Lieutenant punch at his console for a moment, the bridge bathed in a deep red hue, as the required safety lights engaged. A hum emanating deep in the
bowels of the ship, as the 1000 tonne jump engine, was gaining and storing power. This was in preparation, so the ship could pierce normal space into the
gravity well then back into normal space within a micro second.
The Lieutenant _punched_ (past) at...
...the bridge _was_ bathed...
For those that never had never experienced a jump, did not miss much. The movies from the 20th and 21st Centuries could of not been more wrong. There was
no blinding flash, no coloured kaleidoscope, clouds, whirlpools, or watching you body stretch and shrink in unnatural ways. There was only the increasing
hum from the engines, followed by a decreasing hum. This followed with your visual cortex readjusting to stars that had changed position. First year
chemistry was actually more exciting.
...that never had never ... one never too much
...a jump, _you_ did not...
...could _have_ not been... even so I think I remember to have read "could _of_ not been" sometimes too
Lieutant Kurogane busied himself at his console, trying to bring back the various sensors and communication data.
Lieutanant Kurogane had recently been assigned as the replacement XO, the previous XO was long overdue for retirement. Kurogane was awkward individual,
...Kurogane was _an_ awkward...
Yoshi clasped his hands behind his back, “Very well Mr Kurogane, please proceed. The Lucknow will hold position for a few days before returning back to
New Osaka, so align the information feeds direct to their databases, you can find me in my cabin if you need me” Yoshi about-faced and walk towards his
quarters.
...feeds direct_ly_ to...
...about-faced and _walked_ (past)...
Yoshi contemplated what the next month would hold, by then he would have preliminary data, and he hoped more grav wells to explore, which was the main
purpose of the expedition.
I know the prase "what the future holds" but would use "what the next month would bring"
Again, and I can not stress this enough. I don´t know most grammar rules in english, I read a lot in english and belive I have a "feel" for what sounds
right and what not.
Discard any of my suggestions as you wish.
Edit:
Holy crap, this got bloody long :)
-
Going to reply to some of Hawkeye's comments :)
I'd change the entire sentence to "Osuma ripped the envelope open with a satisfying tear."
Replace "dislikeable" with "arrogant" or "insufferable"
Sleeping or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds without people, he would never again take for granted.
This should read (grammar-wise) "Sleeping, or the simple pleasures of a bathroom break without sharing the smell and sounds of other people, he would never again take for granted."
The Chimera and trade delegation’s civilian vessel docking at the Military orbital station, had gone smoothly.
For the Chimera, the trade delegation´s civilian vessel....
or
For the Chimera and the trade delegation´s civilian vessel...
Are these two different ships? If so, slip a "the" in front of the word trade. If they are not, go with Hawkeye's first suggestion.
Flinch is a strange word here. I would associate flinch with moving back/away from something, not trying to reach for something.
"didn´t (manage to?) reach for his sidearm" ?
Use "twitched" or possibly even "could not begin to move". You are expressing total surprise here.
With a final look around, and a nod of reassurance to his security officer “Captain, I see we have no other choice but to do as you wish. If any member of my crew is harmed, I will see that you are personally held responsible.”
Comma after officer. "... his security officer, 'Captain, I see... "
-
hahaa am I getting better or worse LOL, although there are a couple of comments I am not sure about, which is more about style then grammar, when I have time I will go through them.
Yes on the note of commas you are probably right, I am over compensating. Most times I forget them and then probably put more in then needed. I need to review the lowly comma.
-
Sorry for the delay, it takes me a while to put pen to paper and clean it up, although I feel the last piece I have written is quite complex and probably need a few runs through. But I have tried to make sure I have created active statement and used one tense. Let hope the grammar is slightly improved.
-
Post 6
I hope that this is what you are looking for...
First paragraph. I'll make the grammar changes in the paragraph. There are many minor issues, mostly dealing with commas.
There are two typos: "outmanoeuvre" (two words) and "exploded space" (explored?).
Sakiko leaned back into her chair staring out her office window. Darkness shrouded the city skyline; with small specks of light the only identifier the city was there. Her thoughts were contemplating how to tactically out maneuver her opponent. She looked back towards the phonevid screen, “Minister Tako. How am I suppose to protect your geo survey ships when I don’t even have enough ships to defend a small portion of exploded space?” The minister was a fat pompous pig of a man whose only interest was money making to pay off his many mistresses. These were a few of the thoughts boiling in Sakiko's brain as she tried to control her anger.
The fact that the only thought was her description of Tako doesn't match with "These were a few of the thoughts boiling in Sakiko's brain..."
Maybe: it was an example of the many thoughts boiling...
Try looking at this: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm (http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm)
I won't make any further comma comments for this post.
Further down: "my dear who is he calling my dear"
Maybe use single quotes around the two "my dear"s. This indicates that she is quoting him without looking like she is speaking. Also, start a new sentence after that, sgtarting with "These."
"Our fleet is no larger in strength then"
Common mistake; should be "than". "Then" is a time indicator. Compare "rather than" with "then it happened".
"in her deliver" should be "in her delivery".
Same sentence: period after "notch"
"Sakiko had complete forgot her dinner date." should be "Sakiko had completely forgoten her dinner date."
"They had met at a defence contractors" should be "They had met at a defense contractor's" if it was one contractor or "They had met at a defense contractors' " if there were more than one contractor. Also note spelling of "defense".
"once of the primary shipping contractor to the government" looks like you changed directions mid sentence. If I read it correctly this might be better "one of the primary shipping contractors to the government"
"the leader of New Osaka most powerful" should be "the leader of New Osaka's most powerful"
"She noted a thought, " I would change to "She noted a thought: " but that is more style than rule.
"She rose and brush at" should be "She rose and brushed at"
"sneaky thought perhaps" I think the following flows better "sneaky thought that perhaps"
-
Post 7
"The sending of reports have been no problem" This is a common mistake. "The sending" is what's been no problem not the reports. Since "the sending" is singular, "have" should be "has".
"nor any hint" should be "nor is there any hint"
"I believe you find the next report highly interesting" should be "I believe you will find the next report highly interesting".
"He did not think about his brothers often" who does "he" refer to, Osuma or his brother?
-
Thanks for the corrections, a couple I should of picked up which were an oversights, like word missing or missing tense.
I will make your corrections shortly.
Question in reference to He when starting a sentence. Such as "He did not think of his brothers often."
Since I find 'Osuma did this', 'Osuma did that', in a paragraph to be too much. My thoughts are in a paragraph devoted to a person's actions, the use of 'He' would be acceptable. Just interested on your thought not questioning whether your right or wrong. It seems I come across a lot where I have the subject (person) with multiple actions in a paragraph, and prefer not to use multiple uses of the person's name.
Thanks for the link on comma's
I appreciate your efforts in finding those issues. I do feel I already have taken some valuable lessons and improved, but obviously got a long way to go.
-
Two things that help me:
Find someone you get along with well enough for them proofread your story without getting mad at them.
I made a lot fewer corrections after my wife started proofreading my story. We still have a fair number of mistakes get through (as I've said, I am NOT an english major) but it is far less than what you will find in my early posts.
Write your post - but don't post it for 3-4 days. Leave it alone. Then come back to it and re-read it. You will be shocked at how many mistakes you find. Right after writing the post you will read what you think you wrote. A few days later you read the actual words.
At least these two things have helped me.
-
Thanks for the corrections, a couple I should of picked up which were an oversights, like word missing or missing tense.
You are welcome. I don't always have that much time to spend on a post but when I do, I'll post what I find.
Question in reference to He when starting a sentence. Such as "He did not think of his brothers often."
Since I find 'Osuma did this', 'Osuma did that', in a paragraph to be too much. My thoughts are in a paragraph devoted to a person's actions, the use of 'He' would be acceptable. Just interested on your thought not questioning whether your right or wrong. It seems I come across a lot where I have the subject (person) with multiple actions in a paragraph, and prefer not to use multiple uses of the person's name.
The general rule is you can use a pronoun whenever it doesn't confuse the reader. The trick here is that *you* know who you are talking about. So, you won't always catch when there is a problem. This is where having that proofreader can come in handy.
I appreciate your efforts in finding those issues. I do feel I already have taken some valuable lessons and improved, but obviously got a long way to go.
I have already seen an improvement. Your posts are now readable.
I tend to break problems into three categories: must do, should do, and might do. I think that we are currently in the "should do" phase.
-
You might also try reading it out loud. You'll find mistakes that way too.
-
Two things that help me:
Find someone you get along with well enough for them proofread your story without getting mad at them.
I made a lot fewer corrections after my wife started proofreading my story. We still have a fair number of mistakes get through (as I've said, I am NOT an english major) but it is far less than what you will find in my early posts.
That is part of my problem my wife who is very good with grammar. I would love for her to proof reader, but she gets me frustrated and a bit angry. She can be very condescending, also she is not a huge fan of scifi.
Write your post - but don't post it for 3-4 days. Leave it alone. Then come back to it and re-read it. You will be shocked at how many mistakes you find. Right after writing the post you will read what you think you wrote. A few days later you read the actual words.
At least these two things have helped me.
I been doing something similar since my mind is full of ideas, I just jot it down on paper. The wording is quite disgusting, I then revisit it and made all the corrections. This can be with two or three tries then I post. I think I am missing your final step which is another revisit in a day or two, which I will implement.
-
I have already seen an improvement. Your posts are now readable.
I tend to break problems into three categories: must do, should do, and might do. I think that we are currently in the "should do" phase.
Hopefully they are not just readable but enjoyable <wink>
Well let us press onwards to the should do stage.
-
You might also try reading it out loud. You'll find mistakes that way too.
I do this but, I have got one of these minds that fill in blanks, even speaking out loud. For instance, a word is missing, I will read it three times my mind will fill in the word, but not recognise that it is missing consciencely.
Probably why I am so good with puzzles and other peoples bad grammar. <Smile> It also why I can finish a book, twice the speed of most people, and gather the key information.
What I need to do is slow my reading speed, to about 3rd grade level. Which is more about discipline and training I believe its getting a little better and also with all you help which I appreciate.
-
That is part of my problem my wife who is very good with grammar. I would love for her to proof reader, but she gets me frustrated and a bit angry. She can be very condescending, also she is not a huge fan of scifi.
Mine can be disagreeable some days (as can I), but she loves to read and Starfire is something we share. So for that reason she loves to read the stories I write about her game. It would be a bigger chore to find a proofreader who does it just for the sake of reading. Perhaps you could find someone on the board you could run it past before you post it ?
I been doing something similar since my mind is full of ideas, I just jot it down on paper. The wording is quite disgusting, I then revisit it and made all the corrections. This can be with two or three tries then I post. I think I am missing your final step which is another revisit in a day or two, which I will implement.
It is a good idea to put it down on paper first and rough out the outline. I always put together an outline of all the events I want to cover in a month and who was involved. Then I write up a rough draft of the events. Then my wife gets to read it. She usually catches when I leave words out, put words in that don't fit, or make a statement that she can't understand what I am writing about. Finally the post sits for a few days and then I go back and re-read it to make sure we got as many mistakes out as possible, and that it makes sense.
I also make a large outline that covers the story for a year or two out, just so that I don't start a storyline that ends up dead ending because nothing happens to that character for a while. It would be frustrating to have put together a very interesting character just to have them end up stranded far away from the real action of the story.
-
Post 6
"They had met at a defence contractors" should be "They had met at a defense contractor's" if it was one contractor or "They had met at a defense contractors' " if there were more than one contractor. Also note spelling of "defense".
I almost came back here to mock you <wink> on this incorrect spelling of defence. Being an Australian and using the queen's English spelling 'defence' is spelt with a 'C'. E.G Australia Defence Force.
Luckily, I sat for a moment and remember that the story is about Japanese influences, which had been 'incorrectly' influenced by American spelling after World War 2 and Japanese Defense Force is spelt with an S.
But I will refuse to spell colour without the 'u' and will also refuse to spell night 'nite'. Just because your forefathers decided to change English because of laziness, there is no excuse for me. <wink>
Anyway thanks for your corrections they have been made.
-
I almost came back here to mock you <wink> on this incorrect spelling of defence. Being an Australian and using the queen's English spelling 'defence' is spelt with a 'C'. E.G Australia Defence Force.
Luckily, I sat for a moment and remember that the story is about Japanese influences, which had been 'incorrectly' influenced by American spelling after World War 2 and Japanese Defense Force is spelt with an S.
But I will refuse to spell colour without the 'u' and will also refuse to spell night 'nite'. Just because your forefathers decided to change English because of laziness, there is no excuse for me. <wink>
Anyway thanks for your corrections they have been made.
Ahh but do you spell Jail like that or the correct way?
Matt
-
Both ways are still acceptable Gaol and Jail. Although in most historical site have the word as Gaol.
But we tend to use neither in every day life we tend to use the word 'prison', or 'lockup' for a cell at the police station, or 'correctional facility' in official circles.
-
Really? we use Gaol as the collective, and Prison as the specific, which is ironic, as Tassie only has One Prison and one Prison Farm (and most prisoners here are actually in the remand centres (lockups)) Jail is an invader word, it is now accepted because it was in such common usage.
er sorry for the derail, shutting up now
Matt
-
Just another comment on the whole Jail/correction facility subject. U.S. Feds tend to use "Correction Facility" in official correspondence but "prison" in everyday usage for state and federal prisons. While using "jail" in both official correspondence and everyday usage for county and city facilities.
Mark
-
Well there are a lot of prisons in Sydney <smile> Perhaps my family circle is different as my father was a probation and parole officer. But Australian grammar around this topic, I think, is diverse not only state to state but also from family to family I think.
-
Sorry about the delay, I've been gone from the board for a while.
I almost came back here to mock you <wink> on this incorrect spelling of defence. Being an Australian and using the queen's English spelling 'defence' is spelt with a 'C'. E.G Australia Defence Force.
Luckily, I sat for a moment and remember that the story is about Japanese influences, which had been 'incorrectly' influenced by American spelling after World War 2 and Japanese Defense Force is spelt with an S.
I didn't know that about the "c" vs "s" in defense.
But I will refuse to spell colour without the 'u' and will also refuse to spell night 'nite'. Just because your forefathers decided to change English because of laziness, there is no excuse for me. <wink>
Personally, I don't know anyone who uses 'nite' unless they are trying to be cute. As for your love of extraneous "u"s, I doun't hauve anuy probleum wiuth peouple stiucking useleuss, unpronounced letteurs in wourds.
Besides, you guys have nothing on the Welsh. ;-)
Anyway thanks for your corrections they have been made.
You are very welcome.
I didn't know that you were Australian. It makes sense now that I think about it. At first I thought that you were American from in the Appalachians. Some of their pronunciation and speech patters are closer to British English than American English.
-
Besides, you guys have nothing on the Welsh. ;-)
Oi! I resemble that remark ;)
-
Oi! I resemble that remark ;)
But who else uses W as a vowel? ;)
-
hahhahah thats true.
The Welsh are a strange ones. Although my visual images of the Welsh are always from the movie 'Zulu' Jones 631 Jones 732 LOL. I am sure far from an accurate source.
-
But who else uses W as a vowel? ;)
hahhahah thats true.
The Welsh are a strange ones. Although my visual images of the Welsh are always from the movie 'Zulu' Jones 631 Jones 732 LOL. I am sure far from an accurate source.
Hey, all of my grandparents were from Wales (that I know of), and we do just fine.
Not that I would know any better.... ;)
-
I have German, Irish and Scottish blood in me.
I say the German part of me like a good beer, the Irish part says more beer, and the Scottish part doesn't want me to pay for it. <grin>
Then there is the English and French sides of me.
With those two parts "I fail at conquering everything".
-
But who else uses W as a vowel? ;)
I prefer the use of double letters like Dd and Ll. The prior word can also change how the next word is spelt. Learning Welsh Grammer at school was always confusing ???
-
hahhahah thats true.
The Welsh are a strange ones. Although my visual images of the Welsh are always from the movie 'Zulu' Jones 631 Jones 732 LOL. I am sure far from an accurate source.
Great film, I've been to their regimental museum many times. The Union Flag that flew over Rorke's Drift is there. There were many inaccuracies in the film but Jones 631 etc wasn't one of them. My Dad was in the Infantry and he was Welchbloke 39 because there were so many people in the battalion with the same surname :) If you're interested the number is the last 3 numbers of their service number.
-
I have German, Irish and Scottish blood in me.
I say the German part of me like a good beer, the Irish part says more beer, and the Scottish part doesn't want me to pay for it. <grin>
Then there is the English and French sides of me.
With those two parts "I fail at conquering everything".
Based on the Rugby World Cup results it seems that most of that blood is about losing at Rugby ;)
-
Hey I am still 100% Australian born and bred, the blood line is a number of generations old.
and there is a small minor piece of kiwi in there as well.
So don't go jumping to many barriers with that wooden horse.
How many world cups have Wales won? <evil grin>
-
Hey I am still 100% Australian born and bred, the blood line is a number of generations old.
and there is a small minor piece of kiwi in there as well.
So don't go jumping to many barriers with that wooden horse.
How many world cups have Wales won? <evil grin>
Fair call, there's a first time for everything you know :P
-
hahhahah thats true.
The Welsh are a strange ones. Although my visual images of the Welsh are always from the movie 'Zulu' Jones 631 Jones 732 LOL. I am sure far from an accurate source.
Since they managed to claim the Warwickshires were a Welsh regiment at Roarkes Drift in the film a safe bet ;) (my understanding they were stationed in Wales to keep them pesky choirs in line :D )