Author Topic: The Gunny Discussion  (Read 3925 times)

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Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2009, 05:35:13 PM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
EDIT: Reworked the paragraph to as follows;
When the Anglo-American Defense Pact introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for their forces changed from one of defense to one of offense.

This should have a comma: "British Columbian-Alaskan front, the whole"

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
With the new Powered Armor the AADP went on the offensive, an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops.

I think:  "With the new Powered Armor, the AADP went on the offensive; an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops."

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
As the offensive was ongoing the Alliance began the buildup to bring the war to China proper. And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber.

Comma again: "As the offensive was ongoing, the Alliance...

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.

May be better: "It was then, he assumed, that the nukes had flown."  This one is a personal preference thing.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2009, 06:02:55 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
EDIT: Reworked the paragraph to as follows;
When the Anglo-American Defense Pact introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for their forces changed from one of defense to one of offense.

This should have a comma: "British Columbian-Alaskan front, the whole"

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
With the new Powered Armor the AADP went on the offensive, an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops.

I think:  "With the new Powered Armor, the AADP went on the offensive; an offensive that did not stop until North America and Japan had been cleared of Chinese troops."

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
As the offensive was ongoing the Alliance began the buildup to bring the war to China proper. And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber.

Comma again: "As the offensive was ongoing, the Alliance...

Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.

May be better: "It was then, he assumed, that the nukes had flown."  This one is a personal preference thing.

Yeah, my mechanics are kinda weak at times. I get lazy!  :D

EDIT: Changes made, as per suggestions.



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2009, 06:30:30 PM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.

May be better: "It was then, he assumed, that the nukes had flown."  This one is a personal preference thing.[/quote]

Yeah, my mechanics are kinda weak at times. I get lazy!  :D  The last one was changed to Mav's suggestion. You may wish to look at it again. Thanks for the input. :D

EDIT: Changes made, as per suggestions.[/quote]

Yeah, Mav's is better.  I tend to be a bit comma heavy.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2009, 07:12:34 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Yeah, Mav's is better.  I tend to be a bit comma heavy.

Yep. It was a great suggestion. All of the input recieved has been outstanding! And I truly appreciate it since it will help produce an outstanding set of stories.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #19 on: October 09, 2009, 05:09:33 PM »
In this exchange:

“One thing you’re overlooking Gunny.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m still alive and kicking!” And did his best to put a smeg eating grin on his face.

“Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. Must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone you ever cared for is gone or destroyed!”

With that the Gunny nearly broke down again, but retained his composure in front of Jason. In his mind though, he saw his wife’s lovely face and heard the gurgling laugh of his son. In his heart he felt the wrenching pain of the loss of his wife and son.

The "Damn Mayo..." line has me confused.  It's Gunny talking right?  But Gunny is the one who just woke up.

Note:  I'd format this better but BBCodes seem to be off for me.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2009, 08:35:13 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
In this exchange:

“One thing you’re overlooking Gunny.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m still alive and kicking!” And did his best to put a smeg eating grin on his face.

“Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. Must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone you ever cared for is gone or destroyed!”

With that the Gunny nearly broke down again, but retained his composure in front of Jason. In his mind though, he saw his wife’s lovely face and heard the gurgling laugh of his son. In his heart he felt the wrenching pain of the loss of his wife and son.

The "Damn Mayo..." line has me confused.  It's Gunny talking right?  But Gunny is the one who just woke up.

Note:  I'd format this better but BBCodes seem to be off for me.

it means as in waking up from stasis sleep. not getting out of bed.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2009, 12:32:09 PM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"

it means as in waking up from stasis sleep. not getting out of bed.  :D

Huh.

It looks like I read that totally wrong.  I just didn't read the "It must be the shock" line as referring to the speaker.  

I don't know if that was a disconnect in my brain or in the writing.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2009, 06:40:23 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
Huh.

It looks like I read that totally wrong.  I just didn't read the "It must be the shock" line as referring to the speaker.  

I don't know if that was a disconnect in my brain or in the writing.

Lol, np my friend. It happens to us all. But keep up the input. Every bit helps beyond measure.  :D  

New Sentence: “Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. It must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone I ever cared for was gone or destroyed!”



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #23 on: October 12, 2009, 12:13:27 AM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
New Sentence: “Damn Mayo, you’re right! I didn’t think about how long ago it was. It must be the shock of waking up to find everything and everyone I ever cared for was gone or destroyed!”

That is much easier on my nearly senile brain. <grin>

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2009, 01:21:33 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
That is much easier on my nearly senile brain. <grin>

Lol, np my friend. This is why commentary is a necessity IMO. Since you folks will spot things that I did not, and that allows me to improve the story!  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #25 on: October 13, 2009, 08:27:31 PM »
In the chat between Jason and Berenice I think it would come across a bit better if you introduced some sense of disbelief in Berenice's responses.

i.e.
when Jason talks about before the war went nuclear and what not, maybe have Berenice ask or seem confused as to how that could be possible?
or
explain that 'normals' know that Jason's kind are survivors from that era

My thoughts would be that after 300 odd years of plague and pestilence and the 'long winter' of nuclear fallout that history would not remember how it started or what came immediately before.
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #26 on: October 13, 2009, 11:15:57 PM »
Quote from: "Beersatron"
In the chat between Jason and Berenice I think it would come across a bit better if you introduced some sense of disbelief in Berenice's responses.

i.e.
when Jason talks about before the war went nuclear and what not, maybe have Berenice ask or seem confused as to how that could be possible?
or
explain that 'normals' know that Jason's kind are survivors from that era

My thoughts would be that after 300 odd years of plague and pestilence and the 'long winter' of nuclear fallout that history would not remember how it started or what came immediately before.

Good idea. I will add a blurb on how the normals realize the Ghouls are survivors from the time before the Rain of Fire.  :D  



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #27 on: October 14, 2009, 06:32:34 AM »
"Those son-of-a-bitchin’ scumbags! The Gunny thought with rising anger. As he watched through ‘Momma’s’ scope at the three slavers, they began to laugh while they threw the family’s meager belongings around the desert sands. All at once the Marine took over..."

I thought he was a Ranger.

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #28 on: October 14, 2009, 06:37:53 AM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
"Those son-of-a-bitchin’ scumbags! The Gunny thought with rising anger. As he watched through ‘Momma’s’ scope at the three slavers, they began to laugh while they threw the family’s meager belongings around the desert sands. All at once the Marine took over..."

I thought he was a Ranger.

Sorry, I got confused between your two story lines.  Vickers, in the Roman story line is Army.

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #29 on: October 14, 2009, 07:33:00 AM »
I also, have difficulty with the conversation between Jason and the family.

I guess, it all comes down to what kind of environment the family was raised in.  In the kind of world that you are painting, I can't see her being so credulous.  Given the circumstances, I can see her being cowed enough to accept "because I said so" as an answer but to actually believe, right off the bat...  ...it bugs me.

That kind of trust takes time to develop.  Especially if it has to overcome the resistance of being in front of the boogie man from her childhood stories.

I can see passive acceptance on her part.  Her family was just about to get murdered/raped/enslaved and the guy who saved them said that it was OK.  She finds herself in a "less bad" situation now.  Heck, even if he was human she would be wary of Jason.  He's not the one who saved her children.  In a world of slavers, monsters and ghouls, the thoughts running through her mind would revolve around "what do I need to do *right now* to keep my children safe".  Everyone and everything is a threat to her children.  

Gunny saved her and her children.  He said that Jason wouldn't hurt them and he said to do what Jason said.  That should be enough to get short term compliance that can evolve into trust.

I can understand you wanting to get back story in but I think that it was just too early for story time from Jason.  I can see it happening later but not yet.  Maybe, she warily does what she is told for now.  After she has had a chance to see that Jason has no interest in eating her or her children, I can see her being curious.

She would be less afraid if Jason said something along the lines of "Look, if I hurt you, Gunny would kill me slow.  Besides, I have plenty of food here and it's not like I'm going to be raping anyone."  This assumes that Jason has to eat (he has to sleep, so safe bet) and that the immortal ghouls have no sexual function (else, there would be a lot of reproducing immortals in the world).  That would address her two biggest fears.

Also, remember that while, "being a Marine" might be all you need to know to start forming an opinion about someone, most people who haven't hung out with Marines don't know what you know.  Heck, I'm probably atypical of civilians because I've known enough people in the different services to have a pretty good idea about how they will react.  Most people only know what they see on movies.  Most current day people would react as sheeple in this situation and the Mother, in this case, had never even heard of a Marine.

If the pre-war era was a mythical paradise and she learned that Gunny was from pre-war, she might be absolutely trusting in an almost religious way.  Given the proximity of the base, there might be tales about the "mythical" Marines coming to save everyone.  In that case, she'd be treating him and everything he said as if Superman was saying it.

 

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