Author Topic: The Gunny Discussion  (Read 3281 times)

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Offline Þórgrímr

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The Gunny Discussion
« on: October 01, 2009, 10:59:45 PM »
Any discussion please post here.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2009, 05:32:10 PM »
"“What the hell is Stasis Sleep?” The Gunny asked; his interest piqued by this intriguing subject. Anything that could reduce the number of men dying from injuries that would have been irrelevant if they could be delivered to a hospital in time had to be a good thing."

I don't know if "irrelevant" is the word you want here.  It just left out at me and took me out of the flow as I was reading.  "Insignificant" might be a better word.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2009, 06:21:22 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
"“What the hell is Stasis Sleep?” The Gunny asked; his interest piqued by this intriguing subject. Anything that could reduce the number of men dying from injuries that would have been irrelevant if they could be delivered to a hospital in time had to be a good thing."

I don't know if "irrelevant" is the word you want here.  It just left out at me and took me out of the flow as I was reading.  "Insignificant" might be a better word.

Good catch. I think unimportant may be the correct one. Since the point I was trying to convey was that life threatening injuries would become not as much of a threat, so I think unimportant may be the one. I will try that one. Let me know if it still breaks the flow, and if so I will try insignificant.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2009, 08:40:43 PM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
EDIT: ShadoCat, you were correct. Insignificant is the best word to use. I tried unimportant and it just did not 'feel' right. Thanks for the heads up bud!  :D

Glad to help.

Offline ZimRathbone

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2009, 07:16:39 PM »
"When he finished his search he had an ephinay and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working."

Do you mean "epiphany"  ie an illuminating discovery or realisation, or the Coming of the Magi?

Unless of course this is another of the words like "color" or "labor"  that seperate American English from the Queens English?

I would be tempted to use a much simpler word like "idea" or "thought", especially given the situation that the Gunny is in at the moment - its a matter of personal taste but for me "epiphany" has flavours of contemplation, reflection & working at a problem over time, and is usually more to do with an understanding of how the world works, or of ones own personal nature rather than the sort of immediate lightbulb incident you are describing - I don't think its quite appropiate for where the story is at this time.
Slàinte,

Mike
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2009, 07:50:32 PM »
Quote from: "ZimRathbone"
"When he finished his search he had an ephinay and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working."

Do you mean "epiphany"  ie an illuminating discovery or realisation, or the Coming of the Magi?

Unless of course this is another of the words like "color" or "labor"  that seperate American English from the Queens English?

I would be tempted to use a much simpler word like "idea" or "thought", especially given the situation that the Gunny is in at the moment - its a matter of personal taste but for me "epiphany" has flavours of contemplation, reflection & working at a problem over time, and is usually more to do with an understanding of how the world works, or of ones own personal nature rather than the sort of immediate lightbulb incident you are describing - I don't think its quite appropiate for where the story is at this time.

Lol, it was meant to be 'illuminating discovery'. And I can see your point. Will change to he had a sudden thought. Good catch. Thanks bud.  :D

EDIT: Changed to the following, When he finished his search he had a sudden flash of inspiration and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working.

Let me know if this is better.



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline Beersatron

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2009, 01:11:26 PM »
Quote
“Godspeed Gunnery Sergeant,” the captain whispered softly. “God willing, I will see you again in the future.” With that the Captain vanished, never to be seen.

Should there be an 'again' at he end of that line?

Quote
including thre cobalt bombs

typo?
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2009, 01:25:43 PM »
Quote from: "Beersatron"
Quote
“Godspeed Gunnery Sergeant,” the captain whispered softly. “God willing, I will see you again in the future.” With that the Captain vanished, never to be seen.

Should there be an 'again' at he end of that line?

Quote
including thre cobalt bombs

typo?

That is a good question. And the answer is yes and no. This has been a sentence I have been struggling with for some time now. Since if I word it incorrectly I could give away more information than I intend to. But on the other hand as it is the sentence feels unfinished.

Yep, a typo. Good catch, thanks bud.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline mavikfelna

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2009, 04:29:10 PM »
If the disappearing captain is a time traveler as appears intended, the sentence is correct and fine.

--Mav
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2009, 06:31:23 PM »
Quote from: "mavikfelna"
If the disappearing captain is a time traveler as appears intended, the sentence is correct and fine.

--Mav

Mav, thanks for the heads up. And yeah, he makes an appearence later in the saga, in book three to be exact.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline ZimRathbone

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2009, 06:29:07 AM »
Quote from: "Þórgrímr"
Quote from: "ZimRathbone"
"When he finished his search he had an ephinay and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working."

Do you mean "epiphany"  ie an illuminating discovery or realisation, or the Coming of the Magi?

Unless of course this is another of the words like "color" or "labor"  that seperate American English from the Queens English?

I would be tempted to use a much simpler word like "idea" or "thought", especially given the situation that the Gunny is in at the moment - its a matter of personal taste but for me "epiphany" has flavours of contemplation, reflection & working at a problem over time, and is usually more to do with an understanding of how the world works, or of ones own personal nature rather than the sort of immediate lightbulb incident you are describing - I don't think its quite appropiate for where the story is at this time.

Lol, it was meant to be 'illuminating discovery'. And I can see your point. Will change to he had a sudden thought. Good catch. Thanks bud.  :D

EDIT: Changed to the following, When he finished his search he had a sudden flash of inspiration and wondered if any of the computers in the command bunker were working.

Let me know if this is better.



Cheers, Thor


Aye, that feels better
Slàinte,

Mike
 

Offline ShadoCat

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2009, 01:16:40 PM »
"When the Anglo-American Defense Pact forces had introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for the AADP alliance changed, from one of defense to one of offense. The AADP forces had cleared out North America and Japan, and had begun its buildup in the effort to bring the war to China proper, and he was in the stasis chamber, that he assumed the nukes flew."

That last sentence has a problem.  Too many "and"s for one.  Also, the last phrase should probably be in it's own sentence (or majorly reworked.

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2009, 02:07:26 PM »
Quote from: "ShadoCat"
"When the Anglo-American Defense Pact forces had introduced the MEI-14 powered armor to the British Columbian-Alaskan front the whole situation for the AADP alliance changed, from one of defense to one of offense. The AADP forces had cleared out North America and Japan, and had begun its buildup in the effort to bring the war to China proper, and he was in the stasis chamber, that he assumed the nukes flew."

That last sentence has a problem.  Too many "and"s for one.  Also, the last phrase should probably be in it's own sentence (or majorly reworked.

ShadoCat, you are correct. I will rework that whole paragraph. Thanks for the input bud.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

Offline mavikfelna

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #13 on: October 07, 2009, 02:36:38 PM »
Quote
And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber. It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.{/quote]

I would change it to:

It was during this buildup that he was put into the stasis chamber. He assumed it was then that the nukes had flown.

I think that flows a little better.

--Mav
 

Offline Þórgrímr

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Re: The Gunny Discussion
« Reply #14 on: October 07, 2009, 03:01:57 PM »
Quote from: "mavikfelna"
Quote
And it was while this buildup was occurring he was in put into the stasis chamber. It was then that, he assumed, the nukes had flown.{/quote]

I would change it to:

It was during this buildup that he was put into the stasis chamber. He assumed it was then that the nukes had flown.

I think that flows a little better.

--Mav

Mav, good suggestion! I will change it to that. Thanks bud.  :D



Cheers, Thor
Sic vis pacem, para bellum
If you want peace, prepare for war
 

 

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