Author Topic: Astra Ascendant  (Read 646 times)

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Offline Erik L (OP)

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Astra Ascendant
« on: July 12, 2020, 02:50:56 AM »
Attached is a pdf of the story as is right now. Looking for feedback. What you liked and didn't like.

Offline SpaceMarine

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Re: Astra Ascendant
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2020, 05:19:30 AM »
I usually dont read anything at all, (mostly listen to an audiobook if i do) and I read the first chapter, coming from someone who really doesnt read a lot  I found the first chapter quite confusing overall, and you tend to use a lot of short sentences in conjunction with each other which when reading I feel does not allow me to fully think about the information you are presenting me as we are always moving onto the next sentence or line, there is also some weird jumps, you present time as a staple at the start with it slowly going further and further in time, i presume to tell history of the world you are setting up and to world build but then you jump from like 2000 BC to 2300 AD in an instant, you also then use "the present" to describe the actions currently happening but I feel just saying the time would be better as present implies quite far in the future, when in fact its probably wat 2318 AD? due to the age of the main character (i presume he is).

so the time lines overall feel quite short and rushed and in a way dont make all that much sense, I think its fine if you want to world build like that but when it doesnt follow a completely logical path, it doesnt make the best reading experience, again I do not read a lot, I do write a bit but this is just my feelings and thoughts when reading it, also am reading from a complete outside perspective so what I am reading I am reading for the first time.

Anyway, hope the feedback helps. 
 

Offline Panopticon

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Re: Astra Ascendant
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2020, 02:28:53 PM »
I'm a couple chapters in. There are editing and stylistic choices you've made that I don't know if I would. The short choppy sentences at the start are a little jarring and that area could flow a bit more, perhaps you don't need  specific dates? Just use, "The distant past", and "later" instead or something. That may be personal preference though.

The dialogue so far is a bit stilted, you have a combination of brusque casual terms between equals and also having everything be explained just a little to much to seem authentic. The stuff Miles and his friend are talking about at the start are things they probably already would know about each other at this stage in their lives, so having the explanations getting popped out there seems forced. Might be better just to describe that with narrator powers rather than dialogue if that makes sense.

That said I am getting a sense of character from the protagonist, I like him and his friend and have not been turned off from reading more. So it is engaging so far.
 

Offline Erik L (OP)

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Re: Astra Ascendant
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2020, 07:33:42 PM »
I usually dont read anything at all, (mostly listen to an audiobook if i do) and I read the first chapter, coming from someone who really doesnt read a lot  I found the first chapter quite confusing overall, and you tend to use a lot of short sentences in conjunction with each other which when reading I feel does not allow me to fully think about the information you are presenting me as we are always moving onto the next sentence or line, there is also some weird jumps, you present time as a staple at the start with it slowly going further and further in time, i presume to tell history of the world you are setting up and to world build but then you jump from like 2000 BC to 2300 AD in an instant, you also then use "the present" to describe the actions currently happening but I feel just saying the time would be better as present implies quite far in the future, when in fact its probably wat 2318 AD? due to the age of the main character (i presume he is).

so the time lines overall feel quite short and rushed and in a way dont make all that much sense, I think its fine if you want to world build like that but when it doesnt follow a completely logical path, it doesnt make the best reading experience, again I do not read a lot, I do write a bit but this is just my feelings and thoughts when reading it, also am reading from a complete outside perspective so what I am reading I am reading for the first time.

Anyway, hope the feedback helps.

Thank you for reading :)

The first chapter is meant to be sort of a collage of quick scenes to set up later parts of the story. As for the "Present" it is supposed to be around 2400 +/- 10 years.

I'm a couple chapters in. There are editing and stylistic choices you've made that I don't know if I would. The short choppy sentences at the start are a little jarring and that area could flow a bit more, perhaps you don't need  specific dates? Just use, "The distant past", and "later" instead or something. That may be personal preference though.

The dialogue so far is a bit stilted, you have a combination of brusque casual terms between equals and also having everything be explained just a little to much to seem authentic. The stuff Miles and his friend are talking about at the start are things they probably already would know about each other at this stage in their lives, so having the explanations getting popped out there seems forced. Might be better just to describe that with narrator powers rather than dialogue if that makes sense.

That said I am getting a sense of character from the protagonist, I like him and his friend and have not been turned off from reading more. So it is engaging so far.

The training scene in chapter 2 is one I've been working on expanding. At the point where they are conversing, it is supposed to be pretty early in their training and so they really don't know each other all that well yet. I'm sure I'll rewrite that area again. And again. And again ;)

 

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